Taking care of yourself doesn’t end with you becoming a parent. Self-care ensures that you are at your best for your little ones
There are numerous things we have to give up for our kids, but self-care isn’t one of them.
In the fifth edition of “Motherhood & me,” we learn that treating yourself doesn’t end with you becoming a parent. Take that long-awaited day off or get a full eight-hour sleep because self-care ensures that you are at your best for your little ones.
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1. I’m a mom of two and I’m struggling with self-care. None of it is working for me anymore and I’m finding that I’m so restless. What does that look like for you and does mommy guilt play a factor in it for you, too?
Self-care. It means differently for different people and for me, it once meant having a nice bubble bath or taking a ballet class or playing tennis (the hobbies I love). But since having kids and becoming a little older, self-care for me looks totally different than it did before.
If you go have a bath with things you’ve left undone—relationships that need mending or issues that must be addressed—sure, you can have that splendid bath but deep down are you really going to enjoy that bath? Or will you just be sitting there thinking about the things you could be doing—and I’m not talking about laundry or house chores. Does this really sound like self-care to you?
Maybe for Instagram it looks like it, but it’s purely superficial. Nowadays, when it comes to self-care, it’s more about inner work and heart work for me—finding and addressing the things inside that make me feel great.
“Parenting is going to be as difficult as you believe it’s going to be and as simple as you believe it’s going to be.”
I recently went on a conscious parenting retreat with the Conscious Alchemy, a group that specializes in parenting and leadership programs. Joining us was expert, author, and keynote speaker Coach Val Alino. We were asked to talk to our inner child and ask ourselves what made us happy, not what the world told us happiness was.
Coach Alino said something in particular that stuck with me, “Parenting is going to be as difficult as you believe it’s going to be and as simple as you believe it’s going to be.” That quote really resonated with me, along with the message of “You need to be the change.”
I found it to be so true because during days when you are having inner problems—if there are things you are not facing as an adult or if there are tricky conversations you need to be having—taking a bubble bath for “self-care” isn’t going to magically erase all of these problems. Your day will still be tough, but what message are you sending yourself? That at least you will have softer skin?
I get it, life happens so fast but it’s a big no from me. Neither does it look like real self-care to me nor is it the example I want to set for my kids. It’s not necessarily easy work but after confronting these underlying issues and having these uncomfortable conversations, I always feel lighter and only then do I go and have a bath to reward myself for the inner work I have done. Feeling better from the inside out is true self-care.
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There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a moment to breathe. But when you’re feeling guilt or unease, perhaps it’s a sign of things you’ve left undone. Address these first to provide yourself with a sense of peace to go alongside your much-needed self-care session.
There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a moment to breathe. But when you’re feeling guilt or unease, perhaps it’s a sign of things you’ve left undone. Address these first to provide yourself with a sense of peace to go alongside your much-needed self-care session.
So when I do this, I find that mom guilt isn’t a factor. I know I’ve earned a few moments or even hours to myself. Love yourself right, you deserve it.
2. I’m pregnant with my first child and I have zero sex drive. Is this normal? How do I even start this conversation with my husband?
Firstly, congratulations on your first pregnancy. When it comes to sex drive, I’m definitely no expert and when I was pregnant with my two children, it was completely different. So I’ll just share what I experienced with my first child because you are having yours as well.
When I was first pregnant, we found out just before a ski trip to Japan and I was about six to seven weeks along. I remember I felt fine along with my sex drive, up until my 10th week when I became extremely nauseous and had severe morning sickness. This went on until around my 14th to 15th week.
I was doing acupuncture because of the severe migraines and nausea, naturally, of course, my sex drive dropped and this is completely normal. Statistically speaking, they say that in your second trimester, your sex drive and libido will increase, as did mine.
If you don’t feel like having sex/making love to your partner, that’s your right as a woman, your body is your business. However, it is a conversation that you do need to have with your husband because he could feel a bit unloved now that you’re not so interested.
Do not feel like what you’re going through is abnormal to anybody else. Think about all the women in the world who have had babies and everybody’s experience is completely different. This is your normal. If you have no sex drive, that’s okay, there isn’t anything wrong with you. You are growing a human being inside of you—a miracle—so give yourself some love.
If you don’t feel like having sex/making love with your partner, that’s your right as a woman. Your body is your business. However, it is a conversation that you do need to have with your husband because he could feel a bit unloved now that you’re not so interested.
The conversation could sound as simple and as honest as this: “Hey, you know how my hormones are really out of control. I’m really not feeling so sexy or sexual. Let’s find other ways of showing physical affection beyond sex?” This way he still feels part of the pregnancy journey and not rejected. You guys can also explore other ways of being intimate such as back rubs, sharing a bath together, and long lingering cuddles and kisses. It can be as simple as that and I hope the respect that you get from your husband is as pure and unconditional as it was for me.
Just remember, it is medically proven that orgasms can induce labor and this happened with us and our second daughter; hence why she was early! Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, I hope this “Motherhood & me” answer puts your mind at ease.
3. I have a three-year-old son and we are going to London soon but he hasn’t flown further than Boracay. How do you travel with your daughters on long-haul flights? I’ve noticed you’ve done it a few times now.
A long-haul flight will always have its ups and downs so be prepared from the start, be open-minded, and set your expectations.
Here are a few steps we take when traveling:
- Wisely pick your flights.
- Set realistic expectations and mentally prepare the kids days before the flight.
- Do a fun countdown to flight day.
- Pack carry-on snacks, refillable water bottles, activities, etc.
- Don’t rush the kids to the airport, it’s natural they’ll have a million questions.
- Set the tone and be a “safe space” for the kids while in transit and lend them your “calm.”
- Double-check passports, travel documents, etc.
- Remember to have fun, you’re all together!
I try to pick a flight based on what is suitable for my kids’ age and sleeping patterns. If it’s a day flight, your son can stay awake, watch movies, and stretch his legs. If it’s a night flight, I like to time it so it’s just before their bedtime.
The most important step I work on is preparing and setting the kids’ expectations. My girls like to be included so I always get started on preparing them for the flight a week prior. I generally start packing for the kids around five days in advance and that’s when I say, “We have five sleeps until we will be getting on a plane to London.”
The speech I give always reminds me of what you would hear as a kids’ soccer coach but just in a more gentle way. This introduction is key. I talk about how we will need to move as a team and look out for each other and what a fun adventure it will be while trying to keep it lighthearted. We say a lot in our household, “Teamwork makes the dream work” and “Centenera-Santos’ stick together” (which we got from “Avatar II”). The kids love saying both lines and have become somewhat of a family motto. I like to create this sense of teamwork and positive excitement for traveling.
Packing: I always bring our BabyZen Yo-Yo travel stroller—it’s one of only a small handful of brands that pass the requirements in the carry-on overhead compartment. I know that the Nano Smart Aprica travel stroller does too, as I used to travel with that often to Australia when I only had one child. It being a long-haul flight, for sure there’s going to be a stopover somewhere so I want them to be comfortable.
Now, they say to arrive three hours before your flight. When it comes to traveling with kids, this is so true and very important because you don’t know what’s going to happen—if someone’s going to have a meltdown on the way or if your son might get overwhelmed at the airport. You need to account for all of this. For clothing, I always try to dress them in clothes (prints or darker colors) that aren’t going to show spills. Also, always pack a spare set of shirts and pants. Put them in shoes that are easy for them to put on and avoid shoelaces. They get one toy for them to carry on the plane, which also doubles as a pillow. If it’s a night flight, bring their sleeping aid if it’s small enough; I still do this with my youngest.
My girls don’t get regular screen time during a normal week. They know I use it for traveling so I also make sure to bring an iPad with movies we have chosen together. However, depending on the flight length, we strategically space out the films so they’re not just watching for an entire flight. If my children just watch TV the entire time, this will just create a meltdown.
Activities I bring: Crayons are good as they’re easy to clean and they don’t have lids I’ll have to search for all the time, a notebook, Uno cards, Tic-Tac-Toe, and I always have a mini magnet backgammon board game. I also have a reading app I use called EPIC. The books will be read to the kids and show the illustrations so I bring their individual earphones too.
However parents, don’t get me wrong, if my girls are having a hard time and all they want to do is watch, I’ll pivot and let them do so. For the sake of everyone’s peace, I’ll adjust my expectations for whatever aftermath may come from overwatching. I’m not going to force them to do activities if they don’t have the headspace for it. There’s always a time and a place for setting boundaries and I’ve come to learn that on a plane isn’t the best place. I am always extremely calm when it comes to traveling. I will really lower my tempo and slow down how I speak. I keep my voice very calm, so that my kids can borrow my calm if they need it. I also bring a snack box and these are things they can just grab easily, no mess.
READ: Motherhood & me: How to deal with picky eaters and tedious playtimes
There is definitely a process. At the airport, my kids love helping. If they want to help try and put the luggage onto the weighing machine, I’ll let them. Allow them to be curious and explore within proximity of you so it’s still safe. When boarding, you will be allowed to board first with elderly people, so there’s not too many people around and I can kind of settle them in and continue managing their expectations. Just explain to them what’s going on and if they want to stop looking at something, I can stop for a moment and enjoy the world through their eyes.
It’s mental preparation without overloading them and explaining things simply and in words they’ll understand.
Lastly, transiting while the kids are asleep involves me preparing them for it as soon as we get on the plane. I tell them that we’d be landing while they’re asleep and that I’d have to wake them up. So when it does happen, it’s not some big shock to them and they wake up screaming. I sound like a broken record but it’s mental preparation without overloading them and explaining things simply and in words they’ll understand. You’ll be amazed as to how cooperative and enjoyable our little humans can be to travel with if we just give them a little empowerment and let them know they are part of the team. I hope this helps, have a blessed trip!