In a blink of an eye, they were gone. In two weeks, six young men, two of them in their adolescence, lost their lives in vehicular accidents.
Charles died on North Luzon Expressway (Nlex) in the early morning of the same day that, in Ayala Alabang Village, Josh, Bruce, Tim and Thomas lost theirs. The weekend before these two accidents, it was Paolo whose car hit a tree on a quiet street in Valle Verde.
I do grief education, I counsel the bereaved, but I must admit that I had great difficulty comprehending most of these deaths.
To lose a child is every parent’s nightmare. I have gone through the experience myself.
Unfathomable though it may seem, I had to hold on to the belief (and this is always so difficult to accept in the early days and months) that He, who is in control of everything, allows certain things to happen, and that He never makes mistakes.
Parents could not help but be affected by what has happened. We become paranoid even. My daughter was out with friends on both nights when the young men passed away. We were in grief and disbelief the morning after.
Making sense
I kept thinking of the boys’ parents and decided to get in touch with some of the mothers I wrote about in my book on grieving mothers, “Between Loss and Forever.” I wanted to ask them again how they managed to make sense of the early days.
Isabel Lovina lost Mikel in an accident on Slex. Only 18, he had just come from visiting his girlfriend. Raciel Carlos lost Joey while he was on his way home from Baguio. In a car loaded with five other classmates, Joey was the only casualty.
In some tragic similarity, Charles, the young man who died on Nlex, was Joey’s batchmate at the Ateneo High School. Like Joey, he was the only one in the vehicle who died.
Isabel said it was her acceptance and surrender to His will that was her saving grace.
“Prayers and daily Mass made me feel closer to Mikel and I always picture him beside our Lord and our Blessed Mother,” she said.
It helped that she talked about it, what she felt, with family and friends who were only too willing to listen. “Work allowed me not to dwell on the loss, but it’s also important to allow yourself time to grieve.”
Helpless
Raciel let herself be comforted by everyone. “It is not a time to be strong. Family and friends are there to help you any way they can, because they feel helpless knowing they really can’t do anything to help you with the pain. It was a blessing because, for quite some time, I really did not know what to do.”
Visiting Joey’s resting place every day, sometimes twice a day, for the first few months also helped her.
“It may not be for everyone, but it helped me. I also tried to be extra kind to myself and prayed a lot. In the early days, I could not yet bring myself to question God why it had to happen, for it was like wishing death on the other people with him.”
To question God, or to express disappointment, is but human; it is when we dwell and remain stuck in grief that it becomes problematic.
Raciel said that being close to nature also helped her healing. “Every weekend we would go to the beach as a family and just have some quiet time. Support groups can also be a great help, because you realize that it is people who have gone through the same experience who will understand you best, no matter how long the journey has been, but more so in the early days.”
Supermom
The Monday after the Alabang accident, my mother met an accident. While going down the stairs in the GMA-7 studios, trying to help a friend who had tripped (the friend was much bigger than her), mom came tumbling down four steps and hit her head, with her friend’s thigh landing on her.
She suffered a fracture on her sixth rib and major bruising on her back. By God’s grace, my senior-citizen supermom, with the penchant for helping people, did not have major head concussions.
While we drove on Edsa on the way to the hospital that evening, my head was swimming with what-ifs. Accidents, like serious illness, lead to learning moments, giving us pause to mull matters we would otherwise have swept under the rug.
My deepest thanks to my godsister, Dr. Prudence Aquino, who accompanied my mom to the hospital, mom’s neurologist Dr. Rogelio Libarnes, and the very friendly and efficient radiology staff at Cardinal Santos Medical Center.
The week’s funniest moment came when Dr. Libarnes, after breaking the good news that mom’s CT scan yielded negative results, stared at mom and quipped, “Mabuti na lang ho matigas ang ulo nyo.”
Humor, like love, always helps you brave and sail through the roughest of days.
E-mail the author at [email protected]. Follow her on Twitter @cathybabao.
