Where do I get birth control and which one should I get? What does an orgasm feel like? How the hell do you do butt stuff? We answer all these questions in our new column about sex. Say hello to The Big O.
Menage a trois. Devil’s threeway. Angel’s threeway. Flesh sandwich. The championship belt.
Whatever you call it, threesomes seem to be at the top of everyone’s sexual bucket list. But there’s a world of difference between the fantasy and the reality of getting into group sex. I talked to Blake and Sal*, a polyamorous couple who just recently invited a third girl into the mix for their first threesome. They shared their fears, their discoveries, and all the weird things that went down.
How interested were you in threesomes before you had one?
Blake: Very interested, it was on the bucket list for me since puberty.
Sal: Just fairly interested, I know that Blake was the more interested between the two of us. It’s because of my tendency to get jealous; I know myself to want to have the attention the whole time during sex, and I was fearing that I would feel out of place or rather unwanted in a threesome, especially in an FFM (female-female-male) one.
My feelings toward an MMF (male-male-female) threesome weren’t more enthusiastic; I felt that there would be more pressure on me to please my partners, and I knew how the concept of sharing the bed with other men is still a taboo for most men. I guess I didn’t want to be in the epicenter of that sort of awkwardness.
What were some of the fears you had going into it?
Blake: Before we tried it we read up on it, read some accounts of people having unexpected bouts of jealousy. I was quite confident it wouldn’t happen to us but it was a concern.
Sal: My aforementioned self-centeredness is a big concern. I have a tendency to let feelings of jealousy linger, and to let them affect my self-perception. I also didn’t want that bitterness, should there be any, to affect my relationship with Blake.
What made you finally decide to have one?
Blake: For me personally, I think once I felt confident that we both wanted it, and that it was about trying something new and having fun, it felt a lot more natural and liberating to finally experience it for ourselves.
Sal: Meeting our threesome partner! The thought of sharing Blake with someone so interesting and alluring was very persuasive. Also, knowing how open minded she was towards polyamory and group sex was also very attractive. I was afraid that our partner might be dismissive towards us, or wouldn’t be as accommodating to us first timers, had they not been as experienced as her. Knowing that she’s queer also really helped; knowing that she was into both of us made me relieved that I didn’t have to compete with someone else for Blake’s attention. It was good knowing that being with her would also provide her as much pleasure as she could garner from Blake.
What were you looking for in a threesome partner?
Blake: Personally, I was looking for someone who seemed interested in both me and Sal, and also hot [laughs].
Was there anything about having a threesome that shocked or surprised you?
Blake: Usually in our relationship, I’m the dom and she’s the sub. Once we were all together, turns out she really enjoyed being a switch! I thought it was great, and it makes me really excited for another threesome session with her so we can explore it.
Sal: I was surprised how much I enjoyed having sex with her! I consider myself to be very straight, I still do, but I thought my lack of sexual attraction towards women would get in the way of my enjoyment and would make everything awkward. Gladly, it did not. I loved seeing her in pleasure, I loved touching her, and I thought she was really beautiful.
It also surprised me how smoothly it went, and how much chemistry we all had. I expected it to grind to a halt more often than it did. I really hope she feels the same way towards our shared experience.
What are the best things about having a threesome?
Blake: I can imagine it not being fun if it’s not the right chemistry. I think the best thing about the threesome we had is that we were all friends, and that by the end of it we were even more comfortable with each other. Also the knowledge that you’ve done something extraordinary, something not everyone gets to experience, is very interesting.
Sal: I loved how all three of us basked in each other’s adoration and attention. Mutual attraction is very important to me when having sex, and I was happy to experience so much of that during the threesome.
What about the worst?
Blake: I actually have zero negative things to say about the threesome we had, apart from maybe the hotel we were staying at [laughs].
Sal: I guess if I really had to choose, it’s just the fact that I had more than one person to take care of this time. Of course it took twice the effort and focus. It was physically straining too, trying to make them both cum. I’m still sorry that none of us did. It would have been perfect if we all came [laughs].
The physical and mental strain was incredibly worth it though, so I can’t really say I hate it.
Did it change your mind about threesomes? Why or why not?
Blake: It was surprising to me actually that having a threesome was just as fun as I thought it would be. Sex with multiple partners has always been something I’ve been very interested in, and the threesome that we had was a great experience that reinforced that kink for me.
Sal: It really did. The pace and ease at which it went down was the most convincing aspect, and the lack of ill feelings, awkwardness, or pressure. Also, the amount of pleasure I felt being doted on by two very attractive people was a great bonus that I now look forward to in future threesomes.
What are some of the things you wish you knew before getting into a threesome?
Blake: Thanks to our threesome partner, and no thanks to me, everything was very prepared for! Lots of condoms, lube, and even flagellation toys! Now I know to have a special dedicated orgy bag!
Sal: I wish I knew that it all really boiled down to chemistry between all parties, and maybe I wouldn’t have been so apprehensive in trying it. I also wish I knew that chemistry was all it took for a partner to work well with me and Blake, and maybe I would know more precisely what to look for when I was surveying potential candidates.
Threesomes are fun and exciting, but also nervewracking if you’ve never had one before. Keep a few things in mind before you have your first three-way:
1. Discuss everyone’s boundaries before you dive into the action. It’s good to keep an open mind about what you’re willing to do, but it’s also okay to put a hard limit on things you feel uncomfortable with–whether it’s physical or emotional.
2. Plan ahead. You’ll need a bigger bed, an air-conditioned room, and maybe even some snacks and refreshments in case you need to take a break.
3. The right threesome partner will make or break your experience. If you’re not sure where to start, invite a friend or someone you know (that you’re attracted to). There’s less pressure to perform, and it’s easier for everyone to relax.
4. If you’re part of the couple, make sure the third party never feels like a third wheel. Ease them into it by tag-teaming them first.
5. More partners means more risk. Pack extra condoms, and always use a new one when switching partners or sexual acts.
6. Threesomes are all sorts of sexy, but also all sorts of weird. It can be a combination of awkward limbs and sensory overload. As with all things, it can be better or worse on paper than in real life. Be realistic but enthusiastic, and be prepared to accidentally kick someone in the face while you’re trying to figure out what positions work.
*Names have been changed to protect their privacy.
Trisha O’Bannon is an alternative model, BDSM performer, burlesque queen, and spoken word poet. She self-identifies as a queer, polyamorous, kinky cat lady. Ask her more questions at CuriousCat.me/TrishaOB and follow her on Twitter at @trishaobannon.
Illustration by Nyael David