My father was once interviewing executive assistants, and my mother told him to get a pretty one so it wouldn’t look like his wife was insecure. I found it funny then, how she turned a professional decision into something about her. But she is a smart and beautiful woman.
Skill sets being equal, a pleasant-looking front-liner/gatekeeper is a big plus. A droll management joke is that competence can be taught but faces can’t be changed, so looks have an advantage. However, attractive coworkers are seen as threats, usually given the stink-eye as affair magnets by jealous wives, rather unfairly.
Think about it: if you’re both capable and pretty, why would you ever settle for being a querida? You would have your pick of suitors. So if you suspect any hanky-panky when your husband goes on those business trips and pulls all-nighters, who should you watch out for then?
“Men do not cheat with more attractive women, they cheat with women who make them feel more powerful,” said banker Sarah B., whose husband was unfaithful to her.
Serial mistress Ma. Chérie (not her real name) is plain, portly and pushing 50. While married, she carries on affairs with coworkers, favoring married men. She continues to live in the same house with her husband Ken, who still loves her, and continues to pray for their reconciliation through her 20 years of adultery, but he is not “Kenough” to satisfy her.
She once let go of a paramour when the wife, a general’s daughter, caused a scene at their workplace. So Ma. Chérie latched on to another willing partner and shifted offices with her new conquest.
“Marriage counselors have been warning that most adulterous affairs are between friends and coworkers, and that, therefore, proper boundaries must be established,” said lawyer Gerry T. Galacio in his blog post “The grass is not greener on the other side.”
No car rides together
Nancy Anderson had a fling that almost destroyed her marriage. In her book “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome,” she offered tips to affair-proof your relationship:
People of the opposite sex should not ride in a car together without a third party present. This may seem excessive, but some people are more susceptible than others. You may have ridden with the opposite sex alone with no hitches because you were not attracted to each other. But if you start to feel something, avoid the situation henceforth.
It may have begun innocently enough, but Ma. Chérie snagged her new boyfriend by riding with him going home. Soon, her lover’s driver was being sent home early in the guise of avoiding having to pay him overtime.
Don’t make personal (nonwork-related) phone calls to a coworker of the opposite sex. If you need to, have your conversations on speakerphone to keep you honest. Don’t be too cocky to think that you can handle it. Even if you’re a good swimmer, acknowledge that you are powerless against a strong undertow. If you don’t intend to swim, why wade knee-deep? Even if you say you’re “just like siblings,” it’s not worth the gamble.
Don’t have lunch with the same person every day. Move around the break room and if you go out to a restaurant, go in a group. Sometimes being in a group is not enough for the truly devious. If you’re observant, you may spot a suspicious permutation in group photos of who’s beside who. Ma. Chérie was able to maneuver these lunch gatherings into out-of-the-country trips then outright couple cohabitation fortified with a battery of sketchy rationalizations and gaslighting.
Red flag
Ensure your emails and other correspondence are not suggestive, inappropriate or flirtatious. Pet names like mahal are not for friends. Most couples openly share passwords and access codes between their devices; they have no secrets. Others value privacy; if you enjoy this setup, don’t abuse it. Having a passcode within a passcode is a red flag. For instance, a passcode to protect your phone from theft is understandable, but having another for, say, an app like Telegram, which has “self-destruct” or “disappearing message” features, is fishy.
Talk about your spouse positively, clarifying that you’re married and intend to stay that way. Work and hobbies already pose challenges in finding time to be together. Since she shared a hobby with her officemate/boy toy, Ma. Chérie managed to take his weekdays and weekends away from his family with unusually long gym sessions or bike rides. Of course, she is not all to blame as it takes two. Soon, their spouses no longer figured in their lives, online or offline.
I had a jiujitsu coach whose wife did not share his passion for the sport, but he mentioned her often, actively found things to do in common and included her in get-togethers. Theirs is a partnership worth emulating.
“Affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons, so we must be on guard for the slightest hint of temptation. Hints turn into flirtations, flirtations turn into attractions, attractions turn into affairs and affairs turn into disasters. 1st Corinthians 10:13 says that God will always provide a way of escape, but we have to decide to run toward the door,” said Anderson.
As Karen Linamen said in “Pillow Talk, The Intimate Marriage From A to Z,” “Fidelity to one’s spouse should not be accidental but intentional; fidelity should be by design, not by default. In case of questionable relationships, when in doubt, drop the friendship.” —Contributed