I received a letter from my dad at a seventh-grade class retreat. I don’t recall the details, but I was probably all emo, as a new teen, talking with my best friend Ciara, who put me in place: “At least you have a dad who cares about you,” she said. That sobered up my whining fast, as her father had long passed away.
My dad has four children but is also a father figure for many relatives and mentees at the Asian Institute of Management, where he remains a sought-after professor of ethics, strategy, and leadership.
He made an impact on our friends and coworkers who hitched rides with us going home and got to know him better. My dad talked to our boyfriends to set boundaries and offer guidance. He’s everyone’s go-to mediator and confidant. It’s a heavy burden to bear everyone’s problems, but he does so with wisdom, patience, and grace.
For my siblings and I, Dad’s our yardstick, the standard upon which my sister Jessica and I based our life partner choices, and the kind of man my brothers JC and Jay aspire to be as husbands and fathers to their wives and children.
Our father has always been affectionate and available, even now in his late 70s. We grew up used to postmortem discussions after disagreements, having “repair conversations,” secure with conflict as we knew harmony was always our goal. We patched things up as soon as possible.
Not everyone has that background, so while he’s always chosen to see the good in people, he does not expect it. When we all lived under the same roof, we’d have these talks till the wee hours. But now that we have all flown the coop and our family has grown, he continues to dole out his missives on anything from politics and faith to relationships and entertainment via email or Viber.
Moral compass
I once had dinner with a friend who admitted to cheating on his wife. He wanted to do the right thing but felt torn as he enjoyed being with his kabit more. I mentioned a relevant message my dad once sent, and my friend asked to read it. “Both my parents have passed away. I wish they were still here to guide me. I would appreciate any parental guidance you can spare,” he said.
For anyone without a dad who may have the same struggle, needing a sense of stability or a moral compass, I’ve adapted my dad’s message for a general audience. May it help you find your true north:
There may come a time when you find yourself having more things in common with someone not your spouse, enjoy being with them, and even end up loving them. Reality check: Men I know and stories I have heard say the same thing. Of course! The other woman will have no demands, listen to your problems, and will not be a hassle. She will make you laugh, and do the same things you like to do, plus there are no responsibilities involved in the relationship. Perfect!
But wait until you leave your family and start living with her and she becomes secure about her status with you. This is the same story told over and over again. You are not alone, your situation is not unique. A lot of men have faced similar problems. Some did the right thing, resulting in peace of mind and happiness. For those who did otherwise, the sad and miserable ending will happen again, this time to you and your woman.
With the wife and kids, problems galore, right? So many responsibilities. The other woman is the best escape from these. She may also see you as her best escape.
But we all know escape is a temporary thing. Reality will bite sooner or later. Many studies have shown that doing the wrong, unethical, or immoral thing is for short-term satisfaction, which usually compromises the long term. But hay naku! The short-term escape is so alluring and tantalizing.
Life changing
If you do indulge in extramarital affairs, even emotional ones, you may not grasp the gravity of such cheating. What’s done is done, but what you do after will be life-changing for everyone. Apologizing for years of cheating plus a promise of not doing it again does not mean all is well. That is the mentality of entitlement.
The real binary question for you is: Your family or her? You lose your family or you lose her? Pray and reflect on the binary question again. You lose your family or you lose her?
Your woman knows very well (believe me, she knows) that you will lose the love and respect of your children if you choose her. Think about it. If she really loves you, why will she allow that to happen to you?
If you decide for your family, then now the hard work begins. Trust and respect have to be earned again. And no backsliding. No hedging like putting in the effort of only eight out of 10, because the nine and 10 will win out. Believe that you can do 10 out of 10. If you fail, then shoot for 10 again.
Doing the right thing is always difficult. Real men with courage and determination do it, while riches and intellectual superiority are not enough. If it were easy, then there would be peace everywhere. Humans are damaged goods, that is why Christ came to fix us.
Will you be up to it? Will you fight for it? If not, take the sad and lonely road where you and your family lose. It is a one-time binary choice with no middle ground. No replay or playback. —CONTRIBUTED
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