Life has been dumping a bunch of lemons on us lately, and hasn’t been letting up. I can only make so much lemonade. As I struggle with the firefighting for my sanity, I have to look out for my children, too. It was timely that “Inside Out 2” was in theaters, which enabled us to talk about how emotions like sadness, anger, embarrassment, anxiety and frustration are normal and not to be stifled.
One always hears about “getting professional help,” but such resources are out of reach for some of us financially, or the waitlist is too long. Thankfully, there are sites like Bright & Quirky, an online psycho education company by licensed marriage and family therapist Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, that generously shares a treasure trove of well-curated advice that serves as a lifeline for struggling parents.
Reeling from the aftermath of confirming a painful realization, I have to process varying levels of emotional dysregulation with both of my kids. It’s not my fault nor theirs, but it’s still my responsibility. I assure them that such difficulties will pass and we will heal together. Unfortunately, we cannot control everything about our situation. What we do have power over is how we respond.
How can I help them get through life’s inevitable rough periods effectively?
Righting reflex
According to Ned Johnson, coauthor of “What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance and a Happy Home,” it’s a human reflex to fix problems when a child is distressed; however, logic won’t alleviate children’s difficult feelings.
He discussed the parent-child connection’s significance in raising kids with autonomy: “A connection between the parent and the kid is about as close as you can get to a silver bullet without the effects of stress on the developing brain. We all suffer from a lot of stress. What doesn’t occur to many people is that one of the best ways they can help their kids from stress and a motivational perspective is to foster that connection.”
In researching for his book, he asked many kids and teens, “Who are you closest to in the world?” The answers ranged from mom, dad, grandma and cousin to uncle, tutor or teacher. “What made you close to them?” Replies were either of two varieties: “They listen to me without judging me” or “They don’t tell me what to do all the time.”
Said Johnson, “We want our kids to come to us particularly when things are hard. The challenge with that ‘not judging’ piece is that humans have a ‘righting reflex’; when someone comes to us with a problem, we are wired to either offer solutions or brush it off like it’s unimportant. Both responses are invalidating.”
He explained that when we tell them what they should do (“If only you did this, you wouldn’t be in this pickle, you dope!”) or that what they’re struggling with is not a big deal, to our child it could feel like we’re trying to talk them out of bad feelings. But it’s not logic that makes bad feelings go away; it’s feeling listened to and understood. This is tough for us because we tend to either solve or soothe but we need to start with empathy or validation first.
Show empathy
Johnson said that we can say something like, “Wow! No wonder you’re so upset! I can imagine I would be, too.” You don’t have to agree with what your child sees as facts (for instance, being upset that a teacher gave him a low grade when you know he didn’t prepare for it). He also demonstrated reflective listening: “Okay, let me repeat what you said to see if I got it right. You’re upset because you felt like you studied hard and so you’re unhappy with your grade.”
He stressed that our righting reflex or tendency to want to help remains important. But we need to show empathy and validation first so our children won’t resist the help we may suggest; otherwise, they will not listen to us. To get buy-in, ask questions instead of telling them what to do, and echo back their version of the truth. If they ask why you keep repeating what they say, tell them you just want to be sure you understand where they’re coming from, because it’s important before you give any advice that you see the problem the way they see it.
Aside from having open conversations, my kids and I also take solace in jujitsu, which trains us to stay calm and think even in uncomfortable situations. We learn that tough positions don’t last forever and that we can always tap out and start again. We don’t flee from conflict but take the bull by the horns, no matter how daunting our opponent may be. A five-minute roll or sparring session can feel like forever when you’re in the thick of it, but we know that the courage we show by taking on each challenge helps us progress and get better. —CONTRIBUTED