Open communication is key when it comes to navigating our relationships to our kids, partners, and friends
One of the biggest changes we have to deal with as new parents is how we spend our time. Our kids are now the top priority, and some things we used to enjoy, like spending quality time with our friends and significant others, might have to take a back seat. But that doesn’t mean we have to forgo enjoying time with our loved ones forever.
In this sixth edition of “Motherhood & me,” we learn how to balance getting quality time with our partners and how we can navigate our friendships as we care for our little kids.
READ: Motherhood & me: On balancing self-care with responsible parenting
1. How do you say ‘no’ to your friends as a mom with small kids and not feel bad you haven’t seen them for so long?
I get this question. I, too, feel bad and am guilty for saying ‘no’ more times than ‘yes’ but here’s my train of thought: I am riddled with that feeling that at the end of the day my children are only young once, and my children are my priority. My children are my everything. They are what matters the most in my world. Now, repeat it after me! It’s a constant dialogue I have repeating in my head. I consciously choose them 9 out of 10 times and when I repeat this, that guilty feeling disappears. It’s like an affirmation!
You are definitely not alone in this feeling. If you have friends who are at a different stage in their life and they go out for dinner every week and you only accept one dinner invitation every month or more, don’t feel bad about that. Also, don’t feel the need to over-explain why you don’t join. Call them the next day and check in on them and see how the night went because I’m sure these people in your life aren’t going to unfriend you because you want to stay home with your kids for cuddles. They are the people who are your people. There are stages in every family’s life. I know my partner and I are slowly, sloooowly coming out of our baby bubble.
Our youngest is three years and seven months. It definitely does help that her older sister is nearly six, so they have each other. So if I turn to them and say, “mom is gonna go out tonight with Aunti Vanessa for her birthday,” they say, “oh, okay.” It slightly breaks my heart, but then I run for the door, haha! I always make sure I have organized a fun book for them to read so that they don’t feel like I haven’t thought about them. But granted, it only happens every now and then.
I love this question for the fact that it proves you are a good friend, too. Just the fact that you feel bad for the amount of times you’ve said no to dinners out shows you’re thinking about it. I hope you’ve already shared with your girlfriends what is actually going on. Being honest and upfront with friends is always the best way for feelings to not get hurt. Let them know not to take it personally, that it’s just where you’re at with your little family at the moment. And if you haven’t done it, now is the time.
2. How do you apologize to your kids? I don’t remember this being a thing my parents did.
You know, come to think of it, I don’t remember my parents apologizing to me after being yelled at. When it comes to our kids now in 2024, I feel it’s very important for us to be able to apologize to our children, to be able to show accountability and let them feel they are our equals. This maybe wasn’t the case back in the ’80s and ’90s. Yes, you wear the hat of the responsible parent, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to be a good human being.
Think of it this way: If you’re the CEO or boss at work, do you think it’s okay to go around yelling at your employees? Do good leaders yell? Hypothetically, if you did yell at an employee, wouldn’t you apologize? No one wants to work for a boss that yells all the time.
Now take that same train of thought and apply it to your family. You’re the CEO of your family and your kids are your employees and one of your kids might have aggravated you or got you upset. You need to be able to apologize to them because apologizing to them is the correct thing to do, and it role models how to apologize to someone. This will empower your kids to be brave enough to apologize and not be scared in doing so in the future. They will know how to apologize to other people, to their friends, and ultimately throughout their life.
Apologies for me look like this: “I’m so sorry for yelling, that was not okay. I’m working on my big emotions. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to yell. I’m working on it.” Ask if you can have a hug, then hold space for them. Just stop talking and listen. Do not say “Sorry mama yelled because you ___.” Drop the ‘but’s and ‘because’ remarks because that’s not an apology. Your kids are not responsible for your feelings or reactions. At the end of the day, these little kids are looking up to you to know how to self-regulate, apologize, and be good little humans. If you don’t apologize to them, how are they going to know what an apology looks and sounds like?
A good habit to work on too before you explore and yell, is to try saying this: “Mama is overwhelmed. I need a minute to collect my thoughts and process my feelings. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Then go step out of the room to self-regulate, then come back after a few minutes and say, “I’ve figured it out. Mama was upset because ___,” then engage in a conversation. As parents, we want to be able to role model good behavior, provide a safe space for our kids to thrive in their full potential, welcome debate, stand up for themselves, and to be confident in knowing that apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness. Mistakes and moments filled with frustration and anger might escalate into mama yelling, but knowing how to apologize is extremely important.
I think in our parents’ generation, there wasn’t much apologizing to kids because parenting in itself was just very different back then. It was much more raw and kids were just expected to do as they were told.
In short, simply saying, “I’m sorry I yelled” works, too!
3. I think my kids are roughly the same age as yours. My husband and I are struggling to find quality time together. Can you share any advice?
We all struggle with quality time with our significant other. I, too, am always searching for new ways that I can keep my relationship excited and feeling fresh. But there’s no easy way about it. Sometimes it’s just a matter of turning to each other and saying, “Honey, we need some time together.” Sometimes it just needs to be said that bluntly because maybe I was too busy to get the hint when we hinted, or he was too busy to get the hint when I hinted. Sometimes we both get the hint and it’s great, but then we’re just so tired. What then? What happens? As new parents, quality time can be neglected and we don’t want the core of the relationship to suffer because we have small children.
When I spoke to my partner about this one time, he shared an interesting thought with me. He turned to me and shared how as we have grown into our roles as parents, so too had our views on what quality time looked like now. Quality time for us before was actually called a ‘date night.’ There was always this higher expectation of effort that we both loved putting in. Think extravagant, exciting, and romantic. And he had made a huge point! We’ve changed so much as a couple. Our desire for quality time doesn’t look like that anymore. Nowadays, a walk after dinner is romantic. Cooking a meal together with a glass of wine while the kids sleep is exciting. Of course we still have our date nights occasionally, because they’re fun. But what I’m trying to say is, at the end of the day, a good quality conversation is just as good as an extravagant date night. Maybe this is just me getting old, but trust me, you’re not the only one going through this. It’s normal! So have these conversations aloud with your significant other.
What does quality time look like to you as a couple now that you have two kids under the age of five? Don’t be overwhelmed with trying to get quality time together and what that’s supposed to look like to or for others. Search your heart. What does it say? Don’t be scared to express it. So much of life has changed since it was just the two of you with no little humans to take care of. The answer to this question looks completely different for everyone. At the end of the day, communication is key.