When my kids say something hurtful, I sometimes take the bait and bite back. You never expect your child to say “I hate you” but it happens. No matter how well we parent, when kids (especially teens) express frustration, it can sometimes come out as anger directed at us.
It’s hard to process, but responding in a way that teaches them how to communicate better is key to not letting those moments define your relationship.
These situations can get ugly. I’ve had to dig deep to control my reactions, whether it’s handling the emotional rollercoaster of Parkinson’s or managing the stress of adjusting to painful life changes. When my child lashes out, I don’t always handle it with grace and understanding, so I attended a webinar where lawyer Mo Mulla advised parents on what best to say during these moments.
He shares parenting tips from a dad’s perspective on a blog he runs with his wife called ParentalQuestions.com. They deliver no-nonsense resources for parents with unusual, personal, and tricky questions that are difficult to answer.
“If you thought the terrible twos were bad, you are certainly in store for a surprise as your children now have opinions and know how to use them,” Mulla said. He shared three things to tell your child when they say something nasty, without letting it get the best of you.
1. Stay calm and breathe. It’s easy to resort to sarcasm when your child’s words sting. But this is where emotional regulation comes in, especially for parents. Kids are emotional and often don’t think through the consequences of their words, so we must show them how to handle those emotions by managing ours first. If they’re expressing anger or frustration, the last thing they need is for us to mirror that response.
Taking a breath before you react is one of the most powerful tools in those tense moments. Allow yourself a few seconds to breathe and calm your mind to give yourself the space you need to think about the bigger picture. What’s truly going on here? Why is my child feeling this way? Are they angry about something specific or is this an outlet for deeper pain?
Response example: “I hear that you’re upset right now, but we can’t talk to each other like this. Let’s both take a break, and we’ll talk when we’ve calmed down.” By staying calm, you’re setting the tone for the conversation, showing them that despite their emotional outburst, you are in control of your feelings.
2. Acknowledge their feelings, but set boundaries. It’s natural to want to defend yourself when your child says hateful things, but often those words are born out of frustration, not malice. Instead of immediately reacting or getting defensive, Mulla found that it helps to acknowledge what the child is feeling, while firmly setting boundaries about how they express themselves. This does not mean condoning disrespect but teaching them the difference between expressing emotions and being rude.
For instance, if your kids are upset about turning off their iPads to finish homework or taking a break from their favorite activities, they might scream “Jesus Christ, Mom!” or “You’re the worst!” In those moments, focus less on the words and more on the underlying feeling: frustration or fear. We need to help them navigate their emotions healthily.
Response example: “I understand you’re upset about stopping your show, but yelling at me isn’t how to handle it. I know you’re frustrated, but we must discuss this respectfully.” This approach lets your child feel heard without rewarding the bad behavior. It teaches them that while it’s okay to feel upset, it’s never acceptable to hurt others with words.
3. Walk away and come back when ready. Sometimes, it’s best to just leave and give yourself and your child a chance to cool down. Children, especially teens, don’t always know how to process their emotions in the moment. Frankly, sometimes, neither do we. When emotions run high, we can say things they can’t unhear. Mulla assured that taking a step back doesn’t mean giving up or conceding. It means taking control of the situation, and it’s a lesson in emotional regulation for both of you.
When feelings get too intense, walk away, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Giving each other space can defuse the situation and allow you to return to the conversation more rationally. A short time apart can make all the difference in re-engaging in a restorative, productive conversation.
Response example: “I’m going to take a breather, and we can talk more about this when we’ve both calmed down.” This sends a clear message that you are in control, but that the conversation can continue once things settle. It prevents a rash reaction that you may regret later.
What not to do
When tempers flare, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean. Mulla offered a quick guide of things to avoid when your child hits below the belt:
*Don’t fuel the fire. Don’t return the hurtful words with more anger or sarcasm. If your child calls you a bad parent, fighting back with “Well, I don’t want to be your parent anyway!” will only escalate the situation.
*Don’t swear or yell. This only escalates emotions. Keep a level head and lead by example.
*Don’t make empty threats. Threatening punishments like “You’re grounded forever!” won’t help either of you, and it’s hard to follow through with it when your emotions calm.
*Don’t ignore their feelings. Though the words may sting, dismissing your child’s feelings with “Stop crying!” or “Grow up!” invalidates their emotions and damages your relationship.
Hurtful words from children don’t reflect your worth as a parent. They usually stem from feelings of helplessness, frustration, or even fear. Maybe they’re struggling with something at school, a social issue, or they don’t know how to express their emotions. Understanding the “why” behind their behavior can help you respond in a way that fosters growth.
Parenting is a delicate balance between love, understanding, and discipline. When your child says hurtful things, it can feel like a personal attack. But stay calm, acknowledge their feelings, and set clear boundaries; it’s difficult but necessary. By handling these tough moments with patience and empathy, you’re teaching your child how to manage their emotions in the future. —Contributed INQ