Recovering from a foot injury, I’ve been hitting the gym to rebuild my strength and resilience. My 13-year-old son tags along, and I gifted him a few personal training sessions to teach him proper weightlifting techniques, preparing him to navigate challenges confidently before misinformation from peers or YouTube takes root.
As a middle-aged mom with Parkinson’s, I wanted to model for him how to overcome setbacks (while I still can). Since I can’t run or do taekwondo, I work on my upper body and core to show him how to work around obstacles and avoid excuses. I won’t be strong forever, so I’m trying to stay as independent as I can. Hopefully, my kids will be self-reliant enough to render me obsolete or a nice-to-have in time.
At the 2023 Positive Parenting Conference by A Fine Parent Academy, Julie Lythcott-Haims, New York Times bestselling author of “How to Raise an Adult,” shared parenting insights that resonated with me. Her new book, “Your Turn: How to Be an Adult,” amplifies her message: Parents must recalibrate their approach to raise independent and thriving adults.
Overparenting
Lythcott-Haims observed that parents often unwittingly follow a formula, obsessing over getting their children into the “right” school, ensuring top grades and filling their schedules with activities and accolades. These well-meaning efforts often hinder children’s growth. This hyper-focus can deprive kids of essential experiences like free play, sufficient sleep, meaningful relationships, and time for family.
The ultimate parenting goal is to prepare children to be independent, capable and thriving by adulthood. However, overparenting leaves them ill-prepared for real-world challenges.
Managing every detail of their lives rings especially true in the Philippines, where cultural norms often encourage children to stay with their parents until marriage. While this fosters close family ties, it can sometimes delay the development of independence. Striking a balance between support and autonomy is crucial.
When I was 25, I was fortunate to get a grant that enabled me to live for a few months in Copenhagen to finish my master’s degree in business administration. I stayed at a student house where university and graduate exchange students lived.
Spaniensgade was self-run, with chores delegated among ourselves. I was impressed at how, even if they all partied hard and traveled, they still managed to be responsible for getting things like cleaning, laundry and schoolwork done. Remembering their independence made me reflect: Are my kids ready for such responsibility? If not, what am I doing to train them?
Embracing autonomy
Nothing prepares us parents to let go. Maternal instinct isn’t something you can easily turn off, if at all. Regardless, here are the basic skills Lythcott-Haims said every child should master by 18 years old:
Communication: Talk to strangers such as teachers, landlords, or coworkers
Navigation: Find their way in unfamiliar places
Time management: Handle their workload and meet deadlines without reminders
Household contribution: Perform chores and manage basic home maintenance
Problem-solving: Resolve interpersonal conflicts without intervention
Coping skills: Deal with life’s ups and downs, from competition to tough teachers
Financial literacy: Earn, save, and manage money
Risk-taking: Gain experience through trial and error such as in riding a bike or varsity tryouts
Lythcott-Haims urged parents to resist the temptation to fix every problem for their children. Children learn from failure; the sting of forgetting homework or a uniform teaches responsibility more effectively than a parent swooping in to rescue them. “The brain learns through discomfort,” she explained.
Evidence shows that doing chores early fosters a strong work ethic. Children who pitch in develop initiative, a trait highly valued in the workplace. Lythcott-Haims emphasized starting young, outlining age-appropriate tasks:
Ages 2-3: Put away toys, dress with help, clear plates, brush teeth with assistance.
Ages 4-5: Learn full name and address, help dust, feed pets, and sort laundry.
Ages 6-7: Stir food, and use a knife with supervision.
Ages 8-9: Sew simple items, follow recipes, and manage personal hygiene independently.
Ages 10-13: Stay home alone, prepare meals, and use tools.
Ages 14-18: Handle sophisticated tasks like car maintenance, making appointments, and understanding contracts.
Starting later? Lythcott-Haims advised acknowledging the delay and moving forward: “Sorry, my bad. Here’s a broom.”
Critical thinking
Preparing children for an uncertain future requires encouraging critical thinking. Lythcott-Haims noted that since 70 percent of future jobs demand this skill, children must learn to evaluate information, consider solutions, and act independently.
She recommended nurturing this in young children with curiosity-driven questions like, “Why do you think the butterfly is on that bush?” For grade schoolers, shift problem-solving responsibility to them. If they forget their backpack, ask, “What do you think you can do about it?” Engage teens in open-ended discussions. Instead of focusing on grades, ask, “What did you enjoy most today? Why?”
Parents often conflate their child’s success with their own. Yet, independence is achieved by letting children walk away, figuratively and literally. Lythcott-Haims reminded viewers that from the moment children learn to walk, they prepare to explore the world. In fostering confidence and self-reliance, parents fulfill their ultimate role: preparing children to thrive without them.
At the conference, a parent of typically developing and special needs children shared a practical four-step method that applies to everyone: Do it for them, then, do it with them. Watch them do it, then let them do it independently. She said patience and consistency are key; choose calm moments to teach and let children learn through repetition and reflection.
Stepping back isn’t easy. Many parents naturally want to shield their children from discomfort or failure. But letting go, while challenging, is a gift; it allows children to be resilient, self-reliant adults.
Lythcott-Haims’ message is clear: “Perfection is not just the enemy of good; it’s the enemy of adulthood.” Parents must embrace imperfection and trust the process of raising resilient, resourceful, and independent adults. By stepping back, we empower our children to step up confidently.—CONTRIBUTED INQ