It’s your dream, and it matters more to you than anything ever did to me. So I did it, but I can’t anymore.”
Maureen, a character in the ballet movie “Center Stage,” says this to her mother at the end of the movie.
Maureen’s mother fails to fulfill her dream to be a ballerina, and instead pushes Maureen into taking up ballet.
Maureen becomes the perfect ballerina, but her heart isn’t in it. She becomes bulimic and rebellious, and in the end confesses to her mother that she doesn’t want to dance anymore. Her mother eventually understands.
Like Maureen, a high school classmate of mine has always been forced to get the highest grades and become the best of the best in school. Her mother would make her stay up late at night to study, and if she didn’t do well in school, she would be reprimanded. My classmate was eventually forced to take up a medical course even if she felt no passion for it.
What do Maureen and my high school classmate have in common? They have “vicarious parents”—parents who push their children into doing things the kids have no interest in, only because they want their children to fulfill the dreams they themselves didn’t fulfill.
The only difference between Maureen’s situation and that of my classmate is that Maureen’s story is fiction. Unfortunately, there are many more parents in the world who are that way.
Motivations
Coming from a supportive family, I never did understand what drives some parents to make their children go through this situation. Didn’t they see that their children were overworked? Didn’t they understand that their children were cracking under the pressure?
I always advise friends in such situations to talk to their parents; they always reply that it isn’t that simple.
And it isn’t. Most parents think what they’re doing is what is best for their children. They believe their kids just need a push in the right direction—and it’s effective, sometimes.
A good example is my mother, who initially wanted to take up a medical course, but was pushed by my grandfather into taking up accounting. Now, she’s finance director of a big pharmaceutical company, and she claims it’s the right job for her.
My mother proves that sometimes, “vicarious parents” decide for the best. Of course, parents know what’s best for their children. Some achievers have vicarious parents to thank for their success. Sometimes to be the best, one must be trained and toughened up, and have one’s parents as the main motivators.
Pressure
It’s those other times when parents forget about their children and put their own interests before those of their children, that things go bad. Suddenly, what was supposed to be a foolproof way to success starts to malfunction.
Children end up failing because of the pressure on them. Some rebel, others resort to vices just to de-stress. The plan fails, and neither the parent nor the child gets what she wants.
The only way I can think of to solve this problem is through communication. Children need to make their parents aware of what they’re really doing. I’ve been reminded repeatedly that it’s not easy, but getting out of any situation is never easy.
Parents love their children, no matter how much they pressure them; they will listen and they will understand.
I can only hope that parents like these will end up like Maureen’s mom, and will change their ways. After all, parents can also make mistakes, just like their children. It’s how they learn from them.