It’s hard not to think about death and the afterlife having gone to three wakes in a little over a week, and with the annual visit to the cemetery still fresh on my mind.
It’s even harder when you try explaining it to a child.
For a long time, I would substitute all deaths in storybooks with people simply being asleep, sick, or having to go away for a long time. Or in the case of wicked villains, getting injured and being punished in a far-away place.
A study has shown that children comprehend death in different ways according to their ages, and are fully aware of its existence despite what we think. They see worms on the street die when they are stepped on, flowers wilting, and cartoon or storybook characters dying. Very young children usually see death as temporary and expect a dead person to return someday.
At the age of around four or five, they may start realizing the finality of death, but usually see it as something that will never happen to them or their loved ones.
I realized this was true when one day, my little girl figured things out and started asking me, “Is she dead?” during storytelling sessions and when seeing photos of her late grandmothers. I worried about what she would say if I said yes, but surprisingly, there didn’t seem to be any effect, and she moved on.
Heaven
However, the concept of heaven was a completely different story. One night, during another round of never-ending questions, the questions led to Jesus and Mary and, eventually, to heaven.
What I thought would be a great opportunity to teach her some of our religious beliefs with what I felt was a very inspiring answer on death, and what heaven might be, almost brought her to tears. I finally said that yes, people can come back to their lives on earth after going to heaven, making it sound sort of like a vacation to an adult Disneyland.
She fell asleep with her little arms wrapped tightly around me. I suspect she was worried one of us would get spirited off in the middle of the night.
That wasn’t the last time she asked about those things, but since then, I have tried to be more honest and make my answers a little more child-friendly and age-appropriate. I’ve tried to make my responses specific to my daughter’s personality, taking into consideration her fears, dreams and comprehension level.
Nowadays, she speaks of it more casually and positively, though of course, still very far from what it truly is about for many of us. Then again, there aren’t much people who can claim expert authority on it, child or adult.
Fortunately, there has been no absolute need for me to sit down and explain what it all really means. But just the same, I am trying to arm myself with more information and tips on how to go about discussing it the next time the questions come.
I suppose the first thing to remember is to refrain from using euphemisms. As I mentioned, for a long time, I thought the idea of death seemed too scary for kids that in stories or cases of death, I constantly said that the person “went away” or was “sleeping.”
But I realized this was a mistake, considering the tendency of children to take everything literally. Rather than protect them from a “scary” thought, we might just create an unwarranted fear of something harmless, like sleeping or going away on a trip.
On that note, being more truthful and bringing the conversation to their level is the best move. We can compare the body to a broken toy that can no longer be fixed and played with, or say something concrete, such as a dead person or dog will no longer be able to eat or play. At least it is something they can understand and imagine at their age, given their still limited experiences.
Another tip to keep in mind is to avoid information overload. There is only so much a young child can process, so it would probably be best to stick to the basics when kids ask.
I noticed that while there are some days when my children ask continuous follow-up questions, there are also times when they are content with just a few basic answers, and will happily move on to another subject when they’ve had enough of the topic or when they feel their questions have been answered. If possible, check if they really understood what you explained to avoid misconceptions.
Not what they seem
Sometimes, in the course of conversations, kids can ask seemingly very “deep” or “insensitive” questions. But they are not always what they seem. To us adults, they may come across that way, but again, due to young children’s literal way of thinking, they usually really just want to know the face-value answer of their questions. When we listen to our kids, they provide cues on how much or what they really need to know.
For instance, my child once asked where a person goes after he dies and, with this question, I thought she wanted to learn about heaven, etc. But with a few questions back at her, I realized she just wanted to know where the body literally goes and was content to hear that the body goes to the back of the church, where everyone can come visit and say goodbye.
I find it a good opportunity as well to educate children on our religious beliefs, though of course, this is up to every parent. In our family, we find comfort and inspiration in our beliefs and, except for the first time I tried to explain it to my daughter, I find that connecting death to the afterlife gives her a sense of hope.
Discussing feelings might also be important, as they might get confused why everyone is crying when the person is supposed to be in a better place. By explaining that being sad is a natural part of saying goodbye to departed loved ones, they may find it easier to grieve and accept their own emotions.
While writing this, I wondered about the wisdom of even bothering to explain these things to a young child for whom the possibilities of life loom endlessly. Do we bother casting that dark shadow on it, for the sake of being truthful and realistic? Or do we just let them figure things out on their own as the years go by?
Sometimes, it may seem like a tough subject better left untouched, but it would be better to help them out with realistic but reassuring answers to their questions rather than letting their imaginations run wild and leaving them alone with their fears.