A FEW years ago, when my first child, Adriana, was a newborn and I would bring her to Sunday Masses, she would quietly sleep through the entire hour. I thought to myself, “This (bringing her to Mass) is going to be a breeze!”
The baby grew quickly with lungs capable of crying loud enough to wake up the dead. If a bottle of milk or a toy could not quiet her down, there was no other choice than to step out of the church to soothe her tantrums.
But just when I thought her wailing phase was over, she learned to walk. Suddenly, I saw how fascinating a church looked to a tiny tot out to explore the world.
Challenge
There was the little bowl with water she could dip her hands into, the giant “dolls” standing all over the church, the candles she wanted to light and blow out, the padded pews—during these years, it was a challenge to keep Adriana and my son Juanmi in their seats.
I thought my eyeballs would pop out whenever I glared at them in church. It rarely worked.
Soon, the exploring stage ended. The so-called “Age of Reason” set in and, once again, I hoped things would change.
Yes, they have certainly improved. The kids sit, stand and kneel at all the right times and are quiet enough throughout the Mass—until the homily when they ask me to tell them the story that the priest read out from the Gospel.
Some of their questions:
“If God has no parents, who made Him?”
“What will happen when God dies?”
“Why does God let (insert
latest natural calamity/poverty problem here) happen?”
“How did Jesus turn the water into wine?”
Whatever future challenges will come, I’m glad to be done with the first few years of my two older children. Now I just have my youngest baby to teach and train to attend Mass properly, and the thought of going through the whole process again just makes me want to leave him at home.
I have to admit, my 14-month-old son really stays at home more often than the first two did when the family went to Mass. I’ve gotten used to finishing the whole ceremony without having to step out with a crying baby.
But even if Adriana and Juanmi hardly missed any Masses as babies and toddlers, now there are three children to consider, and we are not as flexible in changing schedules.
Technically, there’s really no problem in not bringing a baby or a child to Mass. They are not required to attend until they turn 7 years old and can behave properly.
No magic switch
However, turning 7 doesn’t magically turn on a switch that allows them to sit patiently and quietly through the entire hour —if they haven’t gotten used to it slowly over the last few years. And it is in those few years that discussion has been most heated among churchgoers.
We’ve all experienced going to Mass with crying babies that would drown out the sound of the priest’s voice. And to many parents, there’s also the discomfort of struggling to soothe the crying child. It’s a tough situation for both parties and it’s hard to say who is right.
On one hand, every churchgoer deserves to experience a solemn Mass where they can concentrate and receive the full benefits of the service. We can’t force them to be patient with children who are not theirs.
On the other hand, neither is it right to discriminate against parents who are also trying to experience the Mass as a family and teach their children to love their church as much as they do.
So, what is a parent to do?
Since it’s back to stage one with Santi, I’ve tried to recall some of the methods we employed as we tried to get through Mass and instill its value in our children without distracting those around us.
Newborns just sleep most of the time, and as long as they are fed when hungry, will usually doze off throughout the Mass. The real hazard is actually on the health of the baby, who might not have enough vaccines yet for protection from an environment with many people.
For this reason, I prefer to leave my babies at home until they have a reasonable amount of immunity against possible infections.
Older babies are a different story. They can cry endlessly and very loudly. They have no sense of reason yet, so no promised ice cream cone can keep them still if they do not want to.
Set the stage
What we do is set the stage right from the beginning. At home, we make sure that the baby is fed and has woken up fresh from his/her nap. If he is still cranky and needs to sleep, you can think about whether he should go with you to Mass or not. Some babies will fall asleep quietly in church, but others may get fussy.
Before leaving home, it’s also a must to make sure that the diaper bag is fully stocked with everything you need. I know this is common sense, but sometimes, we don’t realize we’ve forgotten the pacifier until we desperately need it.
While older children put on a fresh outfit, the baby gets a fresh diaper to avoid accidents in the middle of Mass.
Not an ordinary event
As they get older, we start trying to point out that Sundays are special—through little things such as wearing something dressier than usual so they know that Mass is not an ordinary event and is something worth preparing for.
When the kids are still too small to properly talk to, we bring a few things to distract them with, such as a small book or toy. It has to be a quiet item, not one that will make noise when it is played with or dropped to avoid calling attention.
We bring a small thermos of water in case they get thirsty. For some reason, I can never get them to drink enough water at the dining table, but they’re always looking for a drink when they’re out of the house.
As they get older, I slowly take away the distractions and start talking to them about their behavior. Yes, there is usually ice cream as reward and a whole lot of praise when they exhibit good behavior.
In church, we try to get a conveniently located seat by the aisle and preferably at the side entrance or back exit. As much as I would like to stay in front and see the priest up close, prudence dictates that we find a place that allows us to get out as quickly as possible in case of a meltdown.
For the sake of everyone, the best course of action is to simply step out.
Upon stepping out, if I’m with a baby, there’s really nothing to do other than hope that he/she will calm down quickly. But with toddlers and older children, there’s also some disciplinary talk and consequences that I employ so that the kids understand that their tantrum is unacceptable, and they don’t get used to throwing one just to get out of church.
However, I have also been given advice to actually try sitting in front with the children so they can see what is going on. If they can see what is happening rather than simply the backs of the people in front of them, you might be able to hold their interest more. Personally, I can see how this can work with preschooler or older children, but I wouldn’t try this with babies.
I understand that it really is a challenge for everyone to have young children in church, for the parents struggling to keep them behaved and the people around them who do not like the disturbance.
But assuming the child is not having a full, red-faced scream fest, hopefully the normal movement and slight chatter of a child can be seen as an indication that the church is growing. A few years from now, when they have minds of their own, I hope they will still be occupying those pews, because they grew up knowing they were welcome and a part of a community.
