Wanting to feel special on a day that has been societally marked as important, whether it’s a capitalistic ploy or not, is not inherently a bad thing
“It’s pointless anyway,” he explained to me just minutes into our call as I wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeves. “It’s just a made-up holiday. It’s a waste.”
“But you promised me,” I reminded him. He quickly raised his voice and told me it didn’t matter.
He did the same thing on my birthday, didn’t even spare me a call to greet me as I waited at the restaurant table for something, anything. He wasn’t the first man, and certainly not the last. Even people I never had any romantic entanglement with denounced special occasions and shut down the idea of them immediately. And there’s no shortage of complaints, whines, and rants every Valentine’s Day from strangers online who are ready to call anyone and everyone superficial for wanting something special—even if they haven’t been asked about their opinion on the subject.
It’s common that women are more shamed for this, though I’ve personally also seen men humiliated in a very particular way, the way that patriarchal societies love to make fun of men who can’t provide for themselves
It’s common that women are more shamed for this, though I’ve personally also seen men humiliated in a very particular way, the way that patriarchal societies love to make fun of men who can’t provide for themselves, much less subscribe to a “woman’s commercial holiday,” as if it has anything to do with their machismo.
The flood of funny TikToks, Reels, and posts that feature women standing in front of an empty vase with the caption “me arranging the flowers my boyfriend got me” are double inundated with comments from hateful people who aren’t afraid to tell them they’re vain, stupid, or superficial for expecting anything—even if that desire was communicated and agreed on.
It can become discouraging, then, to ask for anything even if you do like the occasion. It calls me back to “Gone Girl’s” Amy Dunne talking about “the cool girl,” and how she’s never angry, never inconvenienced by her man, will down a beer, will gorge pizza herself (while remaining a size 2), pleasure him on command, amid other fantasy expectations. This is in line with that: a girl who doesn’t ask for this BS, a girl who thinks Valentine’s Day and all other commercial “woman-centered” holidays are dumb, a girl who’s just chill about conforming to a man and how little effort he wants to put into having what’s essentially a bang maid.
This is because the expectation is a low-maintenance woman with no desires, hobbies, or passions of her own, who does not want to be a hindrance or inconvenience to a man who has willingly entered into a relationship with her by asking for the bare minimum of affection, and who will center that man even if he has done nothing to deserve this type of centering.
If they’re brave enough to voice this desire, they’re sometimes met with ridicule or even further disappointment when they don’t have affirming partners who can reciprocate the desire or at least fulfill it
Some people don’t mind not getting gifts or even small gestures during these holidays or even just in general, that’s true. But some do like it and prize it. And when these people communicate that desire and are met with disappointment, they are often the ones berated for expecting something they clearly communicated (and often received affirmation for).
It’s because it’s easier to blame someone for their supposed vanity than to pin it on the person who made the conscious effort of acknowledging this desire and then doing nothing to fulfill it. It’s easier to call someone superficial and buying into a silly capitalist occasion than it is to make even the smallest effort for the person they claim to love.
This leads many people with partners to downplay their love for these special occasions. While they may have Pinterest boards and saved Reels of the most romantic gestures and sweet gifts from other people’s significant others, they say that they don’t really need it just so they don’t seem overbearing or high-maintenance.
If they’re brave enough to voice this desire, they’re sometimes met with ridicule or even further disappointment when they don’t have affirming partners who can reciprocate the desire or at least fulfill it. When there is clear communication with a partner that these special days are important to them and they would like something, even if it’s just a little time spent together, and there are enough financial means to do it, it can be devastating to still not receive it and to sit waiting by yourself.
People are allowed to want to feel special. And the more we downplay this desire, the more we brush it off and say “it’s fine,” the easier it is for others—even people outside the relationship—to continue to humiliate and deprecate those who have these romantic inclinations
It is heartbreaking to sit at a table with a birthday cake you bought yourself only to realize your partner is not coming because it’s not a priority to them. It hurts to sit and wait for something that won’t come because even after telling someone it’s important, they don’t acknowledge that importance. And then to feel the pressure to hide that hurt or disappointment because you’d rather not fight about it becomes another hurdle.
It is maddening to sit there and tell yourself you are the problem for wanting something that you asked for and received confirmation of. And even more so to hear it from the very person who promised it to you.
Special relations
There is nothing wrong with expecting something thoughtful for special occasions—Valentine’s Day, birthdays, Christmas, etc. This is doubly true if you’ve expressed this affinity already and your partner said they hear you. If they resist, it might be a good sign that this person is not for you anyway—because why lie to yourself and say that it doesn’t matter to you when it does?
Yes, many of these holidays and special occasions are manufactured and even more of them have been marketed to hell and back to make people spend more and get stuck in traffic. It can be argued that it’s a capitalistic ploy to buy bows and ribbons and stuffed toys. But that truth can be simultaneous with the fact that there is also some sentimental value in them for you—if there is. And for many, there is.
Don’t let normalized cynicism and shameless anonymous bullying deter you from yearning and from wanting flowers. You want to be thought of. You want to feel cherished
It’s also different to be throwing tantrums over not getting the most luxurious or expensive gift. Again, unless it was clearly agreed upon that that is what was going to happen, then sure. But if it’s beyond just a fulfillment of something special and it’s now just an Instagram likes contest for the biggest bouquet, there’s something else to be said about that.
Wanting to feel special on a day that has been societally marked as special, whether it’s some capitalistic market ploy or not, is not inherently a bad thing. With proper communication and acquiescence from the other person involved, it’s now an expectation. And the sadness, disappointment, and hurt that arise are all consequences of an unmet expectation, not because you were asking for too much.
You aren’t. You asked and they said yes. There is nothing in excess. There is only the failure to deliver on their end.
Being called selfish for feeling hurt is out of line. People are allowed to want to feel special. And the more we downplay this desire, the more we brush it off and say “it’s fine,” the easier it is for others—even people outside the relationship—to continue to humiliate and deprecate those who have these romantic inclinations.
And if it’s as simple and low-effort as chocolates and a card, what’s stopping them from doing it? Not everything has to be a grand gesture. If their complaint is that, “it’s just some stupid flowers” then why are they making such a fuss when they could’ve used that energy to get those “stupid flowers” in the first place, especially if that’s what they promised you?
I say, be the romantic. Want the flowers. Desire some quality time with your significant other. Enjoy whatever backup activity or gift you do get to do or receive if things aren’t always financially in the green or if circumstances arise
I say, be the romantic. Want the flowers. Desire some quality time with your significant other. Enjoy whatever backup activity or gift you do get to do or receive if things aren’t always financially in the green or if circumstances arise. Reschedule if you have to. But you don’t need to be the cool girl if you don’t want to be—especially if you know you aren’t.
Don’t be the cool girl when you know, deep down, you are soft and craving to be shown love. You are perfectly fine as you are, so long as you’ve talked about it. And you are more than entitled to your disappointment if it doesn’t happen. Don’t believe these anonymous comments on TikTok complaining that girls shouldn’t expect anything on these special occasions—if, to you, you want a rom-com type of love and you’ve said that, and they agreed, you should come to expect it.
Don’t let normalized cynicism and shameless anonymous bullying deter you from yearning and from wanting flowers. You want to be thought of. You want to feel cherished. You are completely in your lane to feel that way so long as you never demand it from someone who says they can’t do it. If they can’t—move on. If they can, it should be a checklist.
I dumped that man, there was a variety of reasons, cheating among them, but the fact that he had given me a little box to sit in and that was the limit of the space I would be able to take in the relationship did not sit right with me. That I had to ask for a good night kiss or a call from the man who said he loved me above everybody. The fact that he downplayed all my disappointment from every expectation he failed to meet and framed it as me being superficial, vain, and shallow. I knew I wasn’t. And I had had enough.
Yes, it’s okay to want something special for Valentine’s Day, your birthday, for Christmas, for all sorts of things you’ve made up with a significant other or loved ones. What is life without celebration? What is love without cheer? Love loudly, as you like. It is not shameful to.
