Welcome to Ask Poppy! I’m Poppy, your go-to girl for all of life’s woes. And when I say ALL, I MEAN IT. I’m not an expert on anything except maybe for being me, which makes me totally qualified to do this.
Dear Poppy,
I have a friend who comes from a very wealthy family. Yet despite all this privilege, she’s always bitching and complaining about her life and how unhappy she is. Sometimes it’s resentment over the silver spoon she was born with; other times it’s about all her papers for grad school and how stressed and tired she is and blablabla.
I understand that she also has personal issues. What I don’t understand is why she has to constantly bombard social media with her incessant whining. I know it’s her own social media account and she can write whatever she wants, but come on! There should be a limit to how much a person can whine online. Actually, there should be a limit to how much someone can whine, period. I mean, it’s not like she’s going through any real suffering.
It also doesn’t help that she has a bunch of other spoiled rich kid friends enabling her constantly. (I also sometimes question if they really are her friends because I know for a fact that they talk about her behind her back and complain about her posts also.) I’m convinced that if it weren’t for these enablers who constantly defend her and give her positive reinforcement, she probably wouldn’t air her drama as much. I mean, almost every post gets overwhelmingly good feedback. And of course, no one would dare call her out on it because who wants to come off as the douchebag with no sympathy?
Another thing is that people are completely romanticizing this “poor little rich girl” act; as if the whining humanizes her or something. It’s just bizarre, and I totally don’t get it! I know what you’re going to say: Why not just unfollow or unfriend her? Well, the truth is, whenever I see her in person, she’s actually okay. I like being her friend IRL. But her posts online are—I have to be honest—completely insufferable!
I don’t know, am I wrong to be annoyed at her? I do want her to be happy (in the same way that we all want Jennifer Aniston to be happy!). I genuinely do. But her posts are driving me crazy! How would you deal with a friend like this?
—Mr. Viva La BV
Oh, dear, Mr. Viva La BV,
I know how that #feels, but I do have a feeling that you don’t have a f*cking clue. Thus, I am here to hold your hand and guide you through this wonderful journey through lessons in empathy. I promise you: This ride is going to be tough—especially for you. This is based on the grounds that I feel like you’re kind of a prick.
You see, this “friend” that you speak of is obviously suffering and you’re here whining about her whining. The short answer is: Unfriend her on Facebook, but not in real life. But Poppy doesn’t like short answers, so baby, let’s take the long way home.
What we talk about when we talk about “Me”
Here’s the thing about us—we talk about us. Know why? Because we’re human. No, but why do we talk about us? Because it feels good. Science can back me up on this. Studies say that people spend about 60 percent of conversations just yap-yap-yapping about their existence. When you talk about important stuff like Lumad killings and the #2016Elections, that’s like a f*cking fraction of the 40 percent remaining. This number applies to real conversations. The figure goes up to 80 percent when we’re talking online. I don’t know about you, but that’s insane.
Scientists even did some science-y things to scan the brain, just sifting through all that bullsh*t to find out why people talk about themselves. Spoiler alert: Whenever people talked about themselves, the area that lit up was linked to where pleasurable feelings are. Talking about yourself is just as good as having sex, snorting cocaine, and the joys of umami.
So, yeah, man. It’s pretty wrong that you’re getting annoyed at her because all that she’s doing is being human. You’re human, you have thoughts, feelings, ideas, and maybe you’re not the type who flings it out into the vast nothingness of the Internet, war paint smeared across your face, screaming: “This is me! #NoFilter! #NotThePlay!,” but your friend is exactly that type.
“Friend” is the magic word for our next segment of your being a dick. Let’s move on to the magic of friendship, shall we?
The invisible war
You kickstarted this letter with three small words: “I have a friend”—to which I will reply: “No, you don’t.” If you’re really her friend you shouldn’t have written a letter to me, you should’ve addressed it to her. Because that’s what friends do. They actually care. I would categorize those “rich spoiled kids” who talk sh*t behind her back as her friends because who the f*ck doesn’t talk sh*t behind their friends’ backs? Probably Jesus. Jesus would never throw shade on his Apostles (save for f*cking Judas) (Actually, maybe not even.). I just don’t see your halo, bro.
The most striking thing to me about your letter is you are “understanding” of her “personal issues.” This is the part where I explain you why you’re kind of a dick. I’m going to out on a limb here and assume that maybe she has issues like anxiety or depression. There shouldn’t be a correlation between the words “annoying” and “personal issues” because that kind of judgment is what drives people to take away their lives.
Recently, one of my favorite actresses Sharmaine Buencamino public posted details about her daughter’s suicide. It’s brave how a very public showbiz figure like her talked about something so tragic. In the post entitled “Understanding Julia,” Sharmaine talked about how mental illness is an “invisible war,” something that happens so deep into the minds and hearts of its victims. In Julia’s case, her high IQ and EQ enabled her to hide her suffering.
From where I stand, what you call “whining” is actually a way for your “friend” to feel loved. Often, those with mental illness can feel broken, but they never want to be perceived as such. Communicating is such a basic thing that we all need and that’s why your precious Facebook was created—to communicate.
Like I said earlier, people like to talk about themselves because it makes them feel better. When you are not well mentally, is it really a f*cking crime make yourself feel better? No. In fact, when you check out the hashtag #MedicatedAndMighty, you’ll see how people are not ashamed to talk about their illnesses.
Talking on Facebook is not a crime. There’s no limit as to how much you can whine online. It’s in our constitution. Article III Section 4 of the 1987 Philippine Constitution. If you want to f*cking limit the whines per day, go f*cking run for a government position next year. It’s your chance to enact change in the Philippines.
EM·PA·THY
Viva, what you need to achieve is to have a bit of empathy. I know I already quoted Leslie Jamison last week, but The Empathy Exams is really one of the best things that I’ve read in my ENTIRE LIFE. The thing about Jamison’s book is that it helped me to become more human. Human in the sense of becoming more caring instead of wanting to be cared for. Human, as in truly respecting a person for who they are because neither wealth nor family influence can really dictate who and what we are as a person. Anyway, Jamison described “empathy” as this:
Empathy isn’t just remembering to say, “That must really be hard,” it’s figuring out how to bring difficulty into the light so it can be seen at all. Empathy isn’t just listening, it’s asking the questions whose answers need to be listened to. Empathy requires inquiry as much as imagination. Empathy requires knowing you know nothing.
You might think that her suffering is invalid, but you’re not in the position to say that because each and every one of us has a cross to bear. What the f*ck is real suffering anyway? People who were left behind by their loved ones who died from a plague? Those living in relief centers? We all suffer in our own ways and we deal with it in our own way.
You asked me how I’d deal with having a friend like yours. I’d hit “Like” on her post. Because what she’s going through must be tough. I’d hit “Like” because I know at least I’m doing a bit of something to make her feel loved. Again, it’s such a basic thing: wanting to be loved. Love that isn’t romantic is such an easy thing to give. All you have to do is actually care, yet we seem to do the opposite every time. Ask yourself: Are you really a friend or are you just some random person on Facebook who gets to see her posts a lot?
Viva La BV, I love you and if you really love your friend, go tell it to her in person. Or go post it on her wall. It’s your call.
I’m sorry I called you a d*ck.
You needed that.
Not a d*ck,
Poppy
Got a question for Poppy? From love and relationships to weird questions you dare not ask even your psychologist, Poppy is ready to answer them all. Send in your questions to [email protected] or post your question over Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #AskPoppy, and you just might get the answer you are looking for.
Art by Dorothy Guya
