My symptoms started in childhood, when I was around 9 or 10 years old, and then became worse, over the years, until I was a sophomore in college. By the time I had reached my junior year, I had made three unsuccessful suicide attempts: twice by trying to jump from an LRT station and once by trying to stab myself in the chest with a pair of huge black scissors.

I was a Psychology major back then and, after these episodes, I wrote a letter to our Psychology department head, Dr. Noemi Catalan, telling her about my symptoms. She gave me free psychotherapy sessions. This was done very privately; none of my other teachers knew about it. I owe Dr. Catalan that debt—she would be one of several people who would be instrumental in saving my life.

Side effects

For many years, I was diagnosed as suffering from chronic, major depression. With the help of a psychiatrist, I first took antidepressants in 2005. They worked for a while. Then I had to stop in 2007 because I realized that even when they reduced the intensity of depression symptoms, they also had other side effects that I could not deal with for long.

These side effects included hallucinations and physical pain. One interesting hallucination happened when, at a supermarket aisle, the shiny, foil-packed chips, junk food, began singing in a chorus of cartoon chipmunk voices. One bizarre physical symptom was extreme light sensitivity—I felt as though frozen needles were being stuck into my eyeballs whenever I was exposed to light. I had to go to work, at a TV station’s news department, wearing sunglasses.

I stopped taking antidepressants in 2007. I toughed it out until 2010. When I became suicidal again, I went to another psychiatrist and, after some diagnostic tests, we both found out why the antidepressants never worked for me: I was not afflicted with simple depression. Instead, my condition is something called bipolar mood disorder type 2.

If one has bipolar mood disorder, the depression is just one phase of the illness. The other phase or phases could range from hypomanic episodes to full-blown manic episodes. In bipolar disorder, your moods swing from extreme depression to extreme happiness. You don’t only feel happy but even god-like; you have superpowers and you can do anything and everything. Your brain is unable to rest. Even when you sleep, it’s working, thinking, imagining, analyzing. You wake up exhausted. Or you don’t sleep at all.

The worst episodes, for me, are not simply the depressive states, but getting into a mixed state or a rapid cycling state. This means that I either experience symptoms of depression and mania at the same time, or I experience them in rapid succession, over and over again.

It’s mentally, psychologically and even physically draining. My mind is lost in chaos. It’s hard to think straight. I feel anxious, sad and angry at the same time. My emotions are in a blender until I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. The bottom line is mental, emotional and physical torment. And this goes on for days, weeks or even months.

Maintenance medication

So, how do I cope? I’m one of those who are lucky—lucky in the sense that medication works for me. My maintenance medication is a drug called lamotrigine (sold under only one brand name, Lamictal, in the Philippines). It’s used both as an anti-seizure medicine for epileptics and as a mood stabilizer for those with bipolar mood disorder.

That works better for me than an antidepressant. However, when I do get too depressed, I am still prescribed antidepressants but only for a limited time: otherwise, the antidepressants may trigger manic symptoms.

All of these sound terribly complicated—because bipolar mood disorder is a complex condition. And it is chronic. It comes and it goes—I’ve been living with the condition for 31 years. That’s actually good news because, according to some statistics, people with bipolar mood disorder are more likely to die by suicide than those with just depression.

Drug therapy alone is not enough for those with a mental illness or a mood disorder. I find that what works best is a combination of the following: 1) drug therapy; 2) psychotherapy or talk therapy; 3) living a healthier lifestyle in terms of diet, sleep and exercise; and 4) a strong and reliable social support system of loved ones, relatives and friends.

I am not conventionally religious, but I do find that spiritual faith can also boost my capacity to endure and survive symptoms.

There are days when the symptoms are so bad that it can be very tough to function socially and at work. I can still do what I need to do but with great effort and a lot of suffering. But then, nothing lasts forever; both happiness and pain are temporary. So one simply holds on.

Like the weather

Getting bipolar symptoms is like the weather; when symptoms happen, it’s like being caught in a storm or typhoon. You can’t stop the weather but you can hunker down and wait for the bad weather to pass. Then it passes, and you move on from whatever damage the typhoon has wrought.

Lately, the duration of my symptoms has shortened. There are good days and bad days. I discovered that changing my diet to a healthier one—avoiding processed foods and fast food and eating more raw fruits and raw veggies—reduces the severity and length of symptoms. Getting more sleep and exercising regularly also help. I still take maintenance medication a few times a week; I don’t need to take it every day as in the past.

Many people with bipolar disorder want to keep their condition private and secret. This is understandable; they don’t want to deal with stigma, shame, discrimination or maybe even getting branded as mentally deficient or weak.

Certainly, being known as “sira-ulo” or “may sakit sa pag-iisip” is not good for one’s social standing or career.

Then again, from my perspective, there should be no shame in it. Having bipolar disorder is like having diabetes—you can’t control your insulin levels mentally. In the same way, you can’t control your bipolar symptoms with mental tricks.

The symptoms result from something going on inside your brain—and how do you fix your brain? At present, there’s not one pill that can do that. As I said, one has to use a combination of therapies and healthy lifestyle changes.

From a humane, public health perspective, more people have to be aware that being depressed, being manic or getting emotionally distressed for more than a few days, say for about two weeks, requires medical intervention.

Support groups

Call a suicide hotline if you’re suicidal. (Check out www.ngf-hope.org.) Go to a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist if you’re having a hard time dealing with something, whether job stress or emotional hardships. Getting social and emotional support is very, very important to strengthen your will to endure symptoms.

You can join a mental health support group—there are those that are based in hospitals. There’s even an online support group on Facebook called Healthy Mind Manila that I started with other people who are committed to helping those with depression, bipolarism and other conditions. Not all members of our group are patients. Many are non-patients who wish to help the other members.

Choose life. Choose love. We can survive depression, bipolarism and other mental and mood conditions. I don’t like to dwell on tragic cases like Robin Williams’ suicide. Some have said that it’s impossible to stop someone who is determined to go through with suicide. As a survivor of bipolarism, I would disagree.

Proper and timely intervention can prevent suicide. A more open, more understanding society that embraces and cares for those with mental, emotional and mood disorders can provide an environment that promotes hope—and eliminates stigma, embarrassment and shame.

People dealing with depression, bipolarism and other disorders are not weak; in my experience, they can be some of the strongest, most talented, most giving and most compassionate people on the planet. They know what suffering is and are willing to help ease the suffering of others.

Let’s choose life and help others make that same choice.

The author is a writer, editor, content manager and author of three books.