An article was on my newsfeed on “How to spot a fake hands-on mom of toddlers,” published in the Sun.Star Cagayan de Oro newspaper March 18, 2015.

 

In reply to feedback, the writer wrote in her March 20 column about a purported “battle of the claws” between long- and short-nailed moms, and maintained that her opinion was as good as those who commented on it.

 

“Fake hands-on moms are bad for the terribly exhausted, borderline nervous wrecks [sic], real hands-on moms out there. Why? Because they make the real hands-on moms feel miserable thinking they are on the verge of losing it, and endlessly wonder how they can be so inadequate compared to these moms who are really good at faking being hands-on with their toddlers,” she wrote.

 

High heels

 

Does looking good make one a fake mom? I thought it unfair, as some mothers can be in high heels, have long nails, yet be truly hands-on with their children.

 

I can’t, but I don’t think I’m a better mother by being less primped. I do groom myself as best as I can because I care about my self-esteem and my marriage.

 

What made the sensationalistic headline of “fake hands-on moms” such a hot button topic? The columnist’s sweeping judgment on the priorities of other mothers. Rich or poor, we are all given 24 hours a day. How do we spend it?

 

I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I live in flip-flops and house clothes (aka “dasters”). In my son’s early years, I struggled with my new roles of parent and wife, and tried to be   the best I could be. To this day, I barely have time to get my nails or hair done.

 

My high heels from my corporate past lie rotting in their boxes. But I don’t feel bad if other moms can still look glamorous; I don’t have time to compare myself to them. I do clean up pretty nicely when I have to, but I am comfortable with my priorities.

 

How is being a “hands-on” parent defined anyway? Should we even bother with a dictionary definition, where it is better to be kind than to be “right”? Does looking good really take away anything from frazzled, nervous wreck-type moms? No, because there is no battle; the claws are irrelevant.

 

I have friends who work from home but consider themselves hands-on parents. Yet those who do part-time work on purpose to make time for their children, and those who choose not to hire yayas but instead use extended family to help raise their kids—they, too, proudly say they are hands-on.

 

The writer apparently meant her article to be supportive of unkempt, short-nailed moms (mothers she deemed “real”) and also to be informative for “the husbands out there, so that you will know if your wife is the real deal or is just delegating the raising of your kids to the countless surrounding relatives or the househelper when you are not looking.”

 

Pseudo-exposé

 

What’s the point of this pseudo-exposé?

 

These statements declare that only if you are the sole, regular wiper of your child’s butt, can you legitimately call yourself a hands-on mom.

 

The thing is, all moms would like to think of themselves as “hands-on,” even those who work outside the home. My husband is the sole breadwinner, but I consider him a hands-on dad, as he can just as ably take care of our son by himself as I can. But he also wears many other hats, as do I.

 

There is a reason the African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” resonates to this day.

 

Having experienced keeping house and raising my kid with zero help, and later having the good fortune of finding good help, I never thought of myself as any better a mother as when I did everything myself.

I felt I was a better parent when I had help, because I could take time to take care of myself and my husband too. There is no shame in having help. And being a model of good hygiene and good relationship for your kid is more important than literally waiting on your child hand and foot.

 

We all have our priorities, and passing judgment on fellow moms doesn’t make raising kids any easier, or anyone any better than the other.

 

Parenthood and marriage are hard enough, and tearing each other down is not at all amusingly thought-provoking; instead, it is destructively divisive.