DEAR EMILY,

I found out only recently that my husband of 21 years has been visiting girlie bars and night clubs for the most part of our married life. It has totally devastated me. My husband is only occasionally employed being a political coordinator and only works during election time. He supplements our income by raising hogs in the province and for many years it turned out that he would visit night clubs with prostitutes regularly. He even had a favorite, I learned. I caught him one time when I called him from a number he didn’t know and when he answered, I asked, “When do we meet again, you have forgotten so easily.” He replied with “Bev?”

Last December, my daughter overheard him bragging to his friends that the girls at KTV bars/nightclubs flock to him because he gives big tips. He’d also hire strippers for his private entertainment and liken this to an adult playing video games.

My husband never admitted cheating on me. When we fight, he always manages to turn the tables and make me appear overly suspicious and distrustful. Then he’d go into a rage and threaten me with separation. It would end with me begging him for forgiveness.

But he can be a responsible and hardworking husband and father. We have great sex and I always give in to his urges, whenever and wherever he wants it.  I know that I cannot live without my husband. But I am constantly tormented by thoughts of his lying to me.  He has never asked for my forgiveness as he never admitted to any wrongdoing. For me and our children’s sake, I’ve conditioned my mind to forgive him. The most difficult part is forgetting.

I cannot get all these thoughts out of my head. I do not want any more trouble and fighting with him.  I just live to day to day pretending that everything is all right.  I thought we were happily married as he is very sweet to me, and always seems to be hot for me.  We hold hands when we’re sleeping and everywhere we go. I am still beautiful and sexy at 42, but it now looks he was never contented with me.

AGONY

Clearly, you married an incorrigible womanizer. He acts like a mindless kid who wants to be cuddled with whoever is beside him—his wife, a prostitute—any warm body will do! He never matured it seems, and there’s no cure for that. See how he defends himself when you confront him? Offensive and threatening and basically telling you to take it or leave it! How totally unnerving is that!

And you seem to be the kind of wife who is actually taking her marriage vows seriously, who despite all the emotional battering, wouldn’t give up on the decadence and insatiable appetite for sex of her husband.  That’s great to know considering how marriage has become so disposable these days. You’re one of those women who won’t give up easily and who’s taking on not just the good in her relationship but the bad as well. It looks doable on your part because your focus is on your family and not on your pride which may prove to be a blessing.  Be his friend who is blind, deaf and mute to his shenanigans. He probably loves you truly were it not for this genetic aberration on his sexuality.

There’ll come that time in his life when though he may not stop his womanizing, he will be so grateful to you for not abandoning him when he was being a jerk and causing you all those heartaches. He will look at you as the anchor of the family and that might even cause him to mend his abominable ways. But before the dark clouds clear and that “rainbow” appears, rein in your patience and allow it to stretch without snapping.

Men love the comfort and safety of their homes, however wayward they are.  As long as you maintain your dignity and enduring love for this jerk of a husband, he may still find his way back to you—without qualms.

E-mail [email protected] or emarcelo629 @gmail.com.