DEAR EMILY,

I met my soon-to-be ex-wife when I was 31 and she was 28. We dated for a couple of years and married two years later. We have two kids.

A year into our marriage, I found some messages on her phone suggesting she was having an affair. She admitted to this, but said there was nothing physical. We went for marriage counseling, but I must confess I was also having an emotional affair with a colleague. We got physical sometime in June 2012, but ended the affair without disclosure.

In late 2012, I suspected my wife was having another affair because she acted very suspicious around me. She denied it until her cell phone messages confirmed that she was indeed having an affair with an ex-boyfriend and another man she met at a party. I resumed my affair with the colleague after this discovery, as I was convinced she was not in love with me.

Last Christmas, she started acting suspicious again, and I found out through pictures in her phone that she had sex with two other men in the span of just a month.

We are separated now with no chance of reconciliation, but we had a good marriage, I must say. However, I feel guilty with my own affair even though she didn’t know about it. I know the love is nonexistent now, even though she is begging me for another chance. I feel it’s dishonorable to divorce her for something I am guilty, too, even if hers is worse.

She appears remorseful, but I again caught her trying to establish contact with one of her former partners and even “sexting” him. Clearly, she does not love me, but I feel I should give her another opportunity, given that I, too, wronged her.

I know the marriage is over but I want to be able to forgive her and move on. However, I don’t think I can confess to my affairs, although I also feel guilty about putting her away for an offense I, too, am guilty of. Will God forgive me if I forgive her but not reconcile with her?—Jude

It’s funny how you keep saying her affairs are worse than yours. Doesn’t a pile of poo smell as bad as a mountain of it?

Truth be told, aren’t you as much a part of this basket of rotting tomatoes? What’s the point of you and her getting back together when you’re both playing the field anyway? Clearly, love seems nonexistent anymore in this relationship.

Why prolong the agony if you have every intention of moving on, anyway? For the kids, who could be better off in an environment of peace and honesty? You can’t free yourself from the shackles of this deceitful marriage if you vacillate and hem and haw about your wife.

Playing the field so early on in your marriage doesn’t bode well for a happily-ever-after, don’t you agree? Apparently, you both did not try hard enough to put a concrete foundation to this marriage, that no matter how many Band-Aids or sealants you apply, they will all just be skin-deep remedies and prove too late to ever fully mend and fortify your relationship. There’s not much holding it together!

Did you yourself ever love your wife enough to rein in her wandering spirit from the start? Didn’t you ever wonder what void she was filling in, or what hunger she was trying to sate with all her affairs?

Leave God out of this equation because, firstly, you cannot ever fathom or even question the sphere for His forgiveness! Never! And secondly, even if you two reconcile for appearances’ sake, do you think God won’t see through it?

Do what you think is honorable, respectful and honest about your marriage. Salvage what you can and be mature and considerate every inch of the way—on your way out. There are innocent lives involved here.

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