DEAR EMILY,
When and where do you draw the line when it comes to money matters with the in-laws?
My husband and I are both firstborn in one-parent households. His family was once wealthy in our area until his father died unexpectedly in his early 20s. After that, a business of theirs got mismanaged causing the family millions in debt. My husband, being the eldest, coped by juggling funds from profits of the other business that was earning.
He is always busy and stressed—dealing with threats of foreclosures and various loan sharks, causing our marriage to be put in the backseat. All worries have affected his sperm count, leaving us childless after four years of marriage.
It didn’t matter at first that he was not contributing to our coffers since I have a high-paying job. But things became complicated and unfair when even my own money was used to pay for the debts of his family. He now owes me close to P1 million.
We used to not fight at all. Now our quarrels are about money. I get along with his family, except that my financial contribution to them is not appreciated or even recognized. They have no idea of my sacrifices for them, most importantly the money owed to me.
I’m thinking of asking my husband to pay off all his debts to me even if it means he’ll have to incur further debts to do so. I think this is the only solution to end our tiring and sometimes violent arguments. Should I also tell my mother-in-law about these debts?—Confused
Money is the most difficult and sensitive topic to discuss with family or friends. Whether they have plenty of it or not, almost everyone pretends it is not that important and take umbrage or feign disgust when it is even given prominence in a conversation.
You’re obviously caught between a rock and a hard place. Your money is something your husband may partake of since what is yours is his and what is his is…you get the drift. But since it’s his family’s debts, it’s not your concern technically. The involvement of your million pesos is a different kettle of fish.
Since you say you have a good paying job anyway, would it be too much for you to put on the side momentarily your husband’s debt to you until such time that his family’s business gets its footing again? Take it as a band-aid remedy to restore some marital harmony. Clearly, you know he has no means of paying you off without plunging into more debt.
Turn this into a goodwill gesture on your part. Give him breathing space from the nerve-wracking financial headache he has to deal with daily. One million pesos is nothing to sneeze at, but it’s not like you are bleeding from it.
As they say, it’s only money. Will you sacrifice the well-being of your marriage for something you may retrieve in the future? Why not look at it as a million ways to repair a marriage?
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