DEAR EMILY,

My main problem is why I am still single. I am 23 years old, gay, chubby, tall and fair, though not a stunningly good-looking person.

First I thought the main reason is that I am picky. Isn’t it normal to set standards?

I believe only the heart can tell if you’ve fallen in love with the right person and whether you’ve passed its standards or not.

My illusion is to find a straight guy who would love me. Of course, I want a straight guy because it would be more romantic and magical.

But I am also open to a gay partner. Problem is, no one has expressed any hint of attraction toward me. I think it may be due to my overly hard-to-get attitude, of not making the first move to the people I get attracted to.

I’ve already tried to be mildly aggressive but it also didn’t work. I’ve already tried flirting with cute guys I see or get along with.

Still, I’ve failed.

I know I am sounding a bit desperate. I am very curious about how it feels like to be in a relationship.

I want to know what it’s like to have someone be there for you always, aside from family and friends.

You’re desperate at 23? What’s the rush? Is there a fire somewhere? A tsunami coming? A plane to catch?

Would you feel suicidal when you’re 45 and still single? You’re still young, for heaven’s sake! How about trying to walk and not sprint to where you’re going?

Is your obsession with the thought of this romantic love precipitated by peers already enjoying the experience you’re craving?

How do you know their exact feelings in the “romantic” situation they’re in? What if these very people you’re envious of actually wish for the life you have now? To be like you who is not in a complicated relationship, and are dying to get out of the rat hole they’re in?

Not every person has the same game plan in life. Everyone hears the beating of a drum uniquely his own and follows the route he is led to. You cannot be what you’re not.

Try this scenario. At 23, learn to be good at what you do. Love your job and be great at it. Someone may notice your conscientiousness and be attracted to you. Do charity work you’re most interested in and meet people who are selfless and genuinely helpful. That place may not only be good for your soul. You may not have romantic affiliations at all, but instead gain friends for life.

There are a million ways of meeting prospective lovers. Don’t focus immediately on romantic illusion. How about starting with having great friends first?

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