Frank Sinatra, Franklin Roosevelt, Cary Grant, Condoleeza Rice, Lance Armstrong, Elvis Presley, Leonardo da Vinci, Indira Gandhi, Charles Lindbergh, Isaac Newton, Gregory Peck and Jesus—all famous and the only child in their respective families.

 

So why is it that parents with only one child get badgered with questions, as if there’s something wrong with the situation?

 

The reality is, the size of a family can’t be determined accurately.

 

“My having one child is not a matter of choice but it seems like my destiny, as of now,” said 40-something Pachay Lim.

 

When bugged with, “Kailan ang kasunod?” she would respond, “You’ll be the first to know.”

 

“Sounds show biz,” she said, “but people asking me these sort of questions should not expect to get an intelligent answer. If, instead, they say, ‘Sana masundan pa’ then that would be more acceptable to me kasi they’re wishing for another blessing to come…”

 

Pachay had multiple miscarriages after her first child Gaby was born. “I feel very blessed to have one now. Although it would be nicer to have a few more, if God does not permit, so His will be done,” she said.

 

Instead of thinking about having more kids, Pachay focuses on the perks of having just one: “I like being able to provide undivided attention to our child and having spare time of our own. The difficulty is worrying how our child will cope and manage when my husband and I pass away, and she is left alone without any family member to be with. I just hope that when I make my grand exit, Gaby will be all settled with her own family.”

 

‘Cool mistake’

 

Megg Puy initially did not want children, but she and her husband welcomed the unexpected birth of their own baby.

 

“It was a cool mistake, but it’s not happening again,” she said. She felt good about her decision then and said she will always feel the same about it.

 

People who ask them about having more children are brushed off: “It’s no big deal; ignorance is forgivable.”

 

What does Megg enjoy about having one child? “I’ll have one child-in-law,” she said.

 

What is difficult about having “just one” child? She countered: “Difficult? Are you serious?”

 

Anthony Castillo, 50, didn’t plan on having “just one”: “In the first few years after our son Ali’s birth, people would ask about our plan for a second child. At that time, we told them that we wanted to focus on our son, as he has needs that require special attention.”

 

But he and wife Anna worked on having another child when they thought they were ready. “We were almost 40 then, so we gave ourselves a year. We prepared ourselves, in case we’re not lucky to have another one. Now that we’re a little better off financially, we can’t help but think that it would have been nicer if we had another one,” he said.

 

But there are no regrets. “You can give him the best that you can afford. You can travel with him always in tow. You give him undivided attention,” said Anthony. “The downside? At this point, I don’t see any. In the future, maybe, in the event that we are both gone, he has no siblings.”

 

Ali, now 20, agreed. “There were times when I wanted to have a sibling. But I never felt like an only child because I’m very close to my cousins. They are my sisters and I love them with all my heart. Now that I’m a young adult, I would want to have one or maybe two kids, because I want to give my children everything my parents had given me…”

 

Ali grew up at his grandparents’ house with all of his aunts and cousins. “I had a great childhood,” he said. “All of my mom’s siblings had only one child, too, so we cousins are extremely close. People might think being an only child is boring, but it has helped me form a strong bond with my parents.

 

“Being around adults and older kids helped me learn to deal with them at an early age. I am not shy at all to talk to anyone and meet new people. But I don’t have the patience to deal with children, especially rowdy ones.”

 

He advised parents with one child to always find time to spend together as a family. “Just the three of you,” Ali said. “Help your kid come out of the shell by introducing him/her to your friends and their own kid. This will help them become sociable. As for the only child out there, make new friends and don’t be shy! Love your family with all your heart because they love you very much!”

 

Retroverted uterus

 

Pearl, 55, wanted two to four children. Before, asked “when the next ones” will arrive, she would say, “Sana masundan when our child is four or five years old.”

 

If the person asking is close to her, she would give defensive but semi-truthful answers, like how she’s having a difficult time conceiving since her uterus is retroverted, and that her first pregnancy was a miscarriage. “As I got older, when asked why I have only one child, I’d say, “Salamat sa Diyos mayroon kahit isa.”

 

Like most parents with one child, Pearl, before she became a mother, didn’t like being asked about more kids.

 

“I felt pressured, insecure, because deep inside you’d think some people were judging me or my spouse,” she said. “We tried really hard. But after our son was born, our world revolved around him.”

 

Every now and then, Pearl would wish they had more than one kid. “My husband and I come from big families and we saw the advantages. We like children; we dote even on nieces and nephews, and much younger cousins.”

 

Pearl has learned to focus on her blessing. “Since there’s just the three of us, we’ve become very close to each other. Of course there’s the material side of it—isa lang ang pinag-aaral at ginagastusan. We’ve provided for his material and emotional needs well,” she said. “The most difficult part, though, is letting go! Our son is an adult now, but I find it so hard to allow him to be more independent. My husband is better when it comes to this.”

 

Single mom

 

Mimi, 37, said she did not plan on having “just one,” either: “My husband and I separated early on in the marriage. I decided to focus just on my son since then.”

 

When her son was younger and the separation was still “fresh,” Mimi would smile and politely reply to questions regarding having more siblings: “Hindi na po siguro.”

 

She recalled that “those who asked were not really close to us. I also felt then that my own parents were not too keen to let my separation be known to other people.”

 

But such questions are no big deal for Mimi. “I take them as innocent, honest questions,” she said. “I have no regrets then and still have no regrets now. If I decide to settle down again with someone, I may or may not have another child.”

 

For now, Mimi enjoys being able to focus all her energy on her son. “It is easier because I have only one to think about. I am very grateful for my family and friends’ love and support. I bring my son wherever I go and he enjoys spending time with me, my family, his cousins and my friends. Sometimes I get too strict and emotional… My joy and sorrow rely so much on him, and at times my frustration and temper get the better of me. Even if I had more kids, though, I would still be the same kind of  parent. Hats off to parents of two or more kids!” she said.

 

Mimi’s son is now eight years old. About being an only child, he said: “It’s fun, no one to fight with (except my mom). I feel lucky to have both my mom and dad in my life despite the separation.”

 

Did he ever want to have a sibling? “Initially, no. I am not used to being a kuya. But now that I am expecting a younger sibling from my dad’s side, I am excited about it.”

 

To his fellow only child, he advised: “Be good. Love and respect your parents. To parents with one child like me, please do not be too strict with your kid. Relax. Love and have fun with your child.”

 

An only with an only

 

Missy Silva, 37, is an only child out of wedlock. Her mother was a workaholic who was barely home. She was always left with her grandparents or the maid. Missy got to see her father once or twice a month. Her father’s family is clueless about her existence.

 

“As an only child then, I got all the attention from my parents and relatives. I got to have lavish neighborhood birthday parties until I was eight. I had no one to share toys or things with, and no sibling to care for,” Missy recalled. “But it got lonely most of the time, so I always had a pet dog or cat. I was always left at home with a yaya to whom I would get attached, so when they left for good, it always broke my heart.”

 

When she became an adult, Missy felt fortunate having no one to worry about except herself. “But there is also no one to take care of my mom except myself,” she said.

 

As a child, Missy was always “nangangapitbahay.” “I always craved to be with playmates or other children. I would wake up and head straight to a playmate’s house, still in my pajamas, to have breakfast, lunch and stay till late in the afternoon. My mom would wake up, go out of the house and yell my name out loud like she was calling a pet that ran away.

 

“There would also be times when the neighborhood kids would be in our house. I stocked up on junk food so that my friends would be enticed to spend the whole afternoon with me,” she recounted.

 

Later on Missy still enjoyed visiting friends in their houses, although she seldom invited them over to her residence. “I became more introverted, preferring to read books or spend time alone,” she said. “I have a few friends, each one an only child as well, and their families’ setup are different from mine. But we all have things in common: We tend to be more independent, attention-seeking, at times selfish and easily frustrated when things don’t go our way.”

 

Missy wanted to have a sibling. “When I was six or seven I told my dad about it, and he gave me a stuffed teddy bear the next time we saw each other. There were times that I ‘borrowed’ our neighbor’s toddlers to stay at our house and I would watch over them,” she said. “Now that I’m older, I wanted to have more than one child, but due to unforeseen medical circumstances, limited to one lang. It made me sad.”

 

Whenever people tell her to have more kids, Missy would say, “’Di na, okay na ’yang isa. At least ’di naman bokya. I’m not really affected. I’m used to typically nosy Filipinos, especially ’yung friends ng mommies natin na usisera. Having one child is not a choice, more of a life sentence.”

 

On the upside, Missy said, “I have only two persons to take care of and worry about, my hubby and my son. I also get to enroll my son in different classes. I always tell him how blessed he is that he gets to explore and find out what he really likes and enjoys doing. So now he has sports, music and language outside of regular schooling. Hopefully he will grow up to be a well-rounded person and not just a mama’s boy!”

 

Attention, expectation

 

Angelo Lapuz, 24, weighed in on the highs and lows of being an only child. “I get everything, I don’t have to share things and all the attention is on me,” he said. “However, all the expectations are on me as well. I have no one to share the burden of a problem with, and don’t have an example to follow.”

 

As a child, Angelo was reserved and quiet. “I always kept to myself. Now I’m overly expressive at times, tend to have mood swings and become moderately social when I feel like it,” he admitted.

 

Angelo said he would like to have more than one child. “It would be nice to have a bigger family; it would be easier for my kids to engage socially at an early age. I would not be able to relate by the time sibling bickering starts, but I’ll try my best to deal with it,” he said.

 

He has his own piece of advice to parents with one child: “Give your child time to mature. It won’t happen fast, since he’s on his own. Initiate contact because he craves this and doesn’t get it from anyone else, but give it to him moderately because too much will make him clingy, and less will make him detached. Know when to let him be and when to take his hand and guide him through.”

 

To other kids like him with no siblings, he said: “Love your parents. Don’t expect too much because they are also learning to be parents…”

 

Sheltered but independent

 

As an only child, Amanda Ty never had to adjust to anyone else’s behavior while growing up. “Sharing was never part of my vocabulary. I got almost everything I wanted, all the attention at home. I didn’t grow up being compared to siblings. I excelled in school because I was trained to set high standards for myself, not because I had to surpass anyone else,” she said.

 

“However, I didn’t have playmates of my age at home. My parents were always there to give me advice and wisdom on anything under the sun, but not having siblings meant not getting to hear the advice of people ‘my age,’ which could’ve been a lot different… I was also very much sheltered; I didn’t do a lot of sleep-overs or concerts until I reached a certain age.”

 

Now 24, Amanda appreciates her independence. “I do things on my own without having to rely on other people for help. I don’t feel the need to have company wherever I go. I can even travel to a foreign land by myself and find my way around without trepidation. I do a lot of things—from going to the cinema to maintaining my own bank accounts—by myself.

 

“I’ve grown to be strong-willed, in a sense that I’m not afraid to stand up to other people… I’m a go-getter. I know what I want and how to get it,” she declared.

 

At one point, Amanda fantasized about having six siblings. But she no longer entertains that idea because her friends from school and work make up for any void.

 

There are, however, certain things that cannot be ignored. “I won’t be able to witness certain milestones that siblings are able to share with each other, like weddings and having a baby. I also feel like I didn’t have enough chances to make mistakes and learn from them because I was so sheltered. I could’ve been a little more equipped to face the real world now, if I had been allowed to make mistakes as a child,” she said.

 

Socially, Amanda has always been an introvert. “I prefer having a small, intimate group of friends to having hundreds of not-so-close friends. Also, I’m quite picky with the people I hang out with. I don’t open up easily to most people,” she pointed out.

 

Would she consider becoming a parent to a single child as well?

 

“I’m undecided at this point,” she said. “On the one hand, I’d like to have at least two kids so that they can experience all the things I didn’t go through. I’d like to know what it’s like having a big family.

 

“On the other hand, I know that having kids is a big financial and emotional commitment— one that I’m not ready to make at this point in my life.”

 

On parents with one child, she observed: “For some people, having just one kid is the best choice from a financial and emotional standpoint. So, if you honestly feel that one child is all you can afford, don’t force yourself to have more. Don’t feel pressured by family or friends.

 

“Also, try not to shelter your child too much. Let them make mistakes and let them get hurt. Let them experience as many things as they can. It’s the only way they can learn. They’ll thank you for it when they’re older.”

 

She concluded: “People think being an only child is lonely… But it isn’t all that bad. If anything, I’m proud of being an only child because people see me as independent and strong-willed. Realize the perks of being raised an only child, and own them!”