DEAR EMILY,
I am a newlywed and pregnant.
Very recently, my husband confessed that he hangs out with gay men and that he uses drugs. While he was pouring out all these, I kept pinching myself to check if I was awake or having a nightmare!
I can leave him and not worry financially, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave him emotionally. My pregnancy is not a hindrance to our separation as I can raise the baby myself. I have now moved out to my parents’ house (which is basically empty), after he became violent when I and his family confronted him.
He said he never did anything with the gay men, and that he just likes getting money from them and feels good with the praises and compliments they lavish on him. I’m thinking, would a straight man habitually hang out with gay men?
He also lies 95 percent of the time and is irresponsible in our daily life. You wouldn’t notice it in his professional life. He’s one of the most successful, if not top, performers in his field.
I am so confused. Even my parents don’t know what to advise me. I know his family knew this side of him even before we got married, but why they’re blaming me now is unknown to me.
What should I do? He said he would never go to rehab as his drug problem is not that uncontrollable, though he admits getting tempted and tends to “look” for them. I don’t know if anything he says is even true, as his behavior since we got married has turned bizarre. Nobody outside the family knows what’s happening to us.
NEWLYWED LOOKING FOR ANSWERS
It’s a moot question, but what made you walk down the aisle and marry him? Was it a shotgun wedding? Did his popularity overwhelm you? Or did you just go bonkers with his beauty?
This guy is carrying a lot of psychological baggage. To paraphrase an expression, “If it sounds like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck!” It’s almost sure as daylight that your husband is gay despite his refusal to come out, for reasons only his constricted mind can fathom.
He probably is afraid to lose his macho stature in his profession, and hopes that this song and dance about his corrupted relationship with gays will make those who matter look the other way. His drug use also looks like another crutch. This charade he is playing is making him such a sad character.
Since you’re just starting to embark in this open sea of life, are you willing to gamble it with this husband who, as you say, is a liar and is ambivalent about his gender? Or would you rather go back to shore to review your options and start all over again? You cannot dilly-dally because there’s a human being involved here—your soon-to-be-born child.
Life, as it is, is already littered with potholes and dead ends, and mountains of varying heights to climb for those who seemingly start with no problems. But your lot, at the very beginning, just doesn’t augur well for you.
As long as you prepare for your looming parenthood with integrity and a lot of love in reserve, the baby will be all right. There’s no shame in being a single mother—especially a single mother with balls.
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