Fort Collins, Colorado—I’ve spent the past week on the foothills of the Colorado Rockies trying to learn new skills in the area of bereavement care. It’s been great to be mentored by one of North America’s leading lights in grief counseling, Dr. Alan Wolfelt. His ministry and passion for caring and helping those who have experienced losses or undergoing life transitions is most admirable.
October brings to mind Breast Cancer Month and all of my friends who have once battled it and are now survivors. My thoughts go to a book written by Dr. Wolfelt, in which he suggests several ways we can help our friends and loved ones who may be on the cancer journey.
I outline here six practical ways we can show support to our loved one who may be on the biggest journey of his or her life.
One, it is very important to develop the art of empathy. Wolfelt explains that empathy, as opposed to sympathy, is about making an emotional connection. “You aren’t offering solutions. You make yourself vulnerable to the person’s thoughts, feelings and circumstances. You are being present.” Empathy is “feeling with” someone else. Sympathy is much easier; it’s empathy that takes practice and great sincerity.
Next, offer practical help. Emotional support is wonderful but practical help is equally valuable. Wolfelt says, “It’s very important to be specific—‘I’d like to bring over dinner, which day is best?’ Or ‘I’m going to the grocery, what do you need?’”
A marathon
Third, come bearing joy. If you’re just going to be a wet blanket or rain on your friend’s parade, keep away from him or her. “Cancer is a slog. It can be a long, arduous process. Among all the diseases, it’s often one of the marathons,” Wolfelt explains. “Don’t be a Tigger (a cheerleader who cannot empathize), but don’t be an Eeyore either. Strive to mirror and receive your friend’s emotional-spiritual tone.” Bits and pieces of joy are always welcome.
Commune with nature and offer your friend a change of scenery. There will be good days and bad days. When your friend is given clearance to travel out of town, say to the beach, or the mountains, go create those opportunities. Staying close to nature at critical points on the cancer journey provides respite, and clears the chemo concerns even momentarily. Staying close to nature renews us and is always a great reminder of the love and majesty of the One who is in control of all our lives.
Hugs and prayers. One can never run out of hugs to give and receive. The well-being that a 15-second hug provides is immeasurable. And prayers, from the very start until you hit the finish line, are a gift that simply keeps on giving and giving back—not only for the person being prayed for, but for the one who seeks divine intercession, as well.
Show up, as often as you can. Cancer can be a long-drawn-out journey and your presence, not just at the beginning but all throughout, especially during critical days in the treatment, will be greatly appreciated. But remember, bring your joy and your support, and your laughter, too. Otherwise, it might be more prudent for you to remain at home.
Love has always proven to be such a great and wonderful healer. May we have more of it in our lives everyday.
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