It is a truth universally acknowledged that Chinese New Year is much, much better than our same old, boring New Year. Ours lasts for, well, one day, but the festivities that surround CNY takes 17 days of fun activities such as setting off fireworks, chilling with the family, and stacking up all those hongbaos from your relatives.

Of course, the new year offers a bevy of fortune and misfortunes. Master Thean Y Nang (try reading that real fast), a Malaysian fortune master, already said that Hillary Clinton will become US’s first female President and that the ebola outbreak will be devastating. This is the same guy who correctly predicted the 9/11 attacks and the series of bad luck that Malaysia got last 2014, so take his predictions lightly.

For our readers, we’ve prepared a glimpse into your year based on what the stars and your Chinese Zodiac sign have put upon your fate.

Rat
Years: 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960
Those born during the Year of the Rat are known to be smart and alert—two things that you’ll definitely need because there’s a chance that you will be charged with possession of illegal drugs while cruising down SLEX. You know what that can do to your reputation? Nothing, because you are wise enough to pay up and get away with it because we’re living in a corrupt country.
Lucky Colors: Solid Gold, Dagobah Green
Lucky Numbers: 2, 3

Ox
Years: 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961
You work as hard as an ox, yet you don’t give time for yourself. Throw off that work gear and start getting your groove on. This is the year to have a harmonious relationship with your peers, which can only mean one thing: stop believing in monogamy. Life is a party and you have more than one horn. Keep bunting those horns and remember to keep it clean.
Lucky Colors: Your favorite Power Ranger, Purple
Lucky Numbers: 6, 9

Tiger
Years: 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962
Thinking of flying off to an exciting destination using a budget-friendly airline? It’s much better to pay up because you are totally going to lose your luggage this year. Pray that you don’t lose your shit like Claudine Barretto did when she lost hers. You’re going to love that vacation, though. That trip will give you much perspective about
traveling cheap.
Lucky Colors: 50 Shades of Grey, Your Mom’s Chest Hair
Lucky Numbers: 1, 4

Rabbit
Years: 2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963
Everyone sees you as the approachable type but you’re probably shy when it comes to meeting new people. This year, you should adopt a more people-friendly approach. Start by making yourself look like a human being when attending parties. No, those socks and sandals aren’t going to cut it. Stop shopping at the ukay-ukay nearby because it makes you look like trash. Oh, and trim your nose hair.
Lucky Colors: Pink Panther, Blue Jasmine
Lucky Numbers: 3, 9

Dragon
Years: 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964
In China, people think of themselves descendants of dragons, probably making them all related to Danaerys Targaryen. Females born during the year of the dragon are known to be overconfident and are frank—two of the top reasons why most of them are still single. This year, try to change your game. Instead of reaching for the most gwapo, just settle for the okay na, but with a huge package. It’ll be the best Chinese Year of your life.
Lucky Colors: Hoary Ball, Silver Lining
Lucky Numbers: 6, 7

Snake
Years: 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965
If you haven’t tried it yet, being faithful can actually bring you a lot of luck this year. When it comes to work, make sure you stick to one job instead of losing your mind to 10,000 rakets all happening at the same time. You only have two hands and one mind, so make sure that you set your priorities straight to have a better and meaner output. Oh, and stop sleeping around.
Lucky Colors: Blackest Night, Mellow Yellow
Lucky Numbers: 2, E1

Horse
Years: 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966
Sarah Jessica Parker, I loved you in Sex and the City! Even though I really hate the second Sex and the City movie, I really think that you, Kim Cattrall, and the other two—whatever their names are—can really bring it in one more time for a third Sex and the City movie. Come on SJP, you only have one movie this year. Perhaps you can also discuss with HBO a potential reboot of SATC. TV reboots are in right now.
Lucky Colors: Pink Lemonade, more Pink
Lucky Numbers: 3, III, tres

Goat (or Sheep)
Years: 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967
Your sensitivity and love of nature means that you really cannot take everything that’s going on in Manila right now. Find a job in the province and then haul your ass over there. Sure, your friends are all here in Manila, but wouldn’t you want to start a new life, one that is payak and tama lang? Mehhh, your way to freedom is by getting an online job and living right next to the beach. Fuck all this noise and traffic.
Lucky Colors: Manila by Night, Green Inferno
Lucky Numbers: 6, 6, 6

Monkey
Years: 2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968
This is definitely your year! This is definitely the year that you will offend the Ancient Chinese God Taisui, bringing upon a series of misfortunes in your life! The Chinese people believe this so they wear red socks, underwear, and jewelry to drive the bad juju away. If you’re born in the Year of the Monkey like Grace Poe, it’s probably not a good idea to run for the presidency, except maybe if you grab all the red underwear at La Senza. DO IT!
Lucky Colors: Scarlet Red, Red Sternberg
Lucky Numbers: 1, 7

Rooster
Years: 2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969
You shouldn’t have broken up with your ex-lover and you’re only realizing it now. Instead of focusing on the past, just focus on how much of a cock he was to you. There’s no use crying over spilled milk or an ex-boyfriend who smelled like stale milk. Stop worrying that you’ll never find your prince charming because you will. I know you will. Spoiler alert: I don’t know anything.
Lucky Colors: Blue Velvet, Black Hole
Lucky Numbers: 5, 8

Dog
Years: 2018, 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970
This is not the year to be joining that Zumba group with your amigas. The Year of the Monkey will bring upon a series of high-risk health-related issues that may create a severe impact in your life. Start barricading your doors and don’t let anything in. Dengue, AIDS, Ebola, the Zika virus and the small-headed babies that it can bring, depression, and zombies—they’re out there and there’s nothing you can do about it, you poor dog.
Lucky Colors: Saudi Gold, Grey’s Anatomy
Lucky Numbers: 4, 9

Pig
Years: 2019, 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971
You’ve seen too many episodes of How to Make it In America, so now is the year to start your T-shirt business. Make sure that you come up with dope ass branding that’s Hypebeast-worthy. Don’t forget the sick models that you’re gonna get for your shirt line. While we’re at it, launch your shirt at Black Market and make your friends spin. It’s so bangin’! Now go home and check your bank account: Tou’re still poor. You haven’t made it kahit sa Manila.
Lucky Colors: White Album, Blue Valentine
Lucky Numbers: 2, 8

Art by Dorothy Guya