DEAR EMILY,

I am a father of two boys and one girl.  We are a beautiful family, everybody tells us. All of my children became commercial models when they were growing up, and two of them still do modeling. My wife was a Miss Something in her youth while I was a known playboy. I broke quite a few hearts along the way, and unwittingly sired a number of illegitimate kids—some known to me, but mostly strangers, who dot places I’ve visited,  here and abroad. Obviously, I sowed my wild oats. Those were the good ol’ days and I know I am paying for them now. I am being punished at how my three children have turned out.

They’re all well-educated, all married, but all separated. Two have kids of their own, who have all turned gay. Each one of them! I drive in the city and out-of-town highways and marvel at how beautiful my grandchildren are in the advertising billboards. Yes, they’re models. I ask myself constantly what went wrong! Is this a punishment from God for my horrible treatment of women—turning all my children into homosexuals?

But I have become a better person as I grew older. Doesn’t that account for anything?

REGRETFUL FATHER

Do you honestly believe that having homosexual children is a punishment from “God?” Who is this god you pray to? Does he have a name? Does he have an address?  Do you honestly think he is pea-brained?

Are gay kids worse than having murderers, or drug pushers, or thieves in the family? Would you rather have those? If your only problem with them is their sexuality—why don’t you let it rest and accept it?  Aren’t you being a horrible homophobe?

Besides, what’s wrong with being gay?  Don’t you realize how difficult it is to fall in love with the right person, whether of the same sex or not? The world is already filled with lonely, unhappy people—and I cannot understand how it is that fathers like you are making it difficult for the very people you are supposed to be loyal to and protecting, are refusing to be their pillar of strength when they need it most?

Snap out of this constipated mentality.  Why not go down on your knees instead, and thank that one and only God who is all-knowing, omniscient, generous and kind for the blessings right before your eyes, and stop beating your breasts and cursing the light?

For kicks, this wonderful God, who can also play tricks, might show you what punishment is, just to drive home a point.

E-mail [email protected] or [email protected]—Subject: Lifestyle.