SOMEONE WROTE this about mature love: We are each our own tooth fairies, taking what has been lost and giving gold in return.
Toni Gregory de Palenzuela could not agree more, and was quick to add: “The best thing people can give each other in a marriage is the sure knowledge you can survive alone.”
Every marriage has its myths, and in her first marriage, the myth was she couldn’t balance a checkbook and would be lost without a partner doing it for her. Toni was left with two children, aged 9 and 10, when her first husband died 20 years ago.
Grieving still, she was also thinking, I can feed this family myself!
“I am very poor with numbers. I cannot add one plus one to save my life,” she said. On the one hand, she has always been a bundle of creative energy. She continued working all throughout her first marriage and pushed harder when, alone, she proceeded to build a comfortable life for her children.
It was lucky her son and daughter are so closely spaced in age; they were wonderfully supportive and caring towards one another growing up.
Toni gained solid footing as a top-notch marketing and public relations executive in the hotel and tourism industry, although her longest association was with the pioneering direct-selling firm Mondragon. Her last stint as an employee was with the Mimosa resort hotel. When it went down, she took stock of her professional life and realized she was ready for a different turn in her career.
Rich in friends and the filial love of a huge family, the Villaraza clan, Toni counted on this blessing when she finally decided to start her own business.
Rats
She also found the right partner, her friend Annie Ringor, a nurturing ally. “Annie and I have many things in common. We were both widowed at 44, we’re both rats,” Toni said.
For Toni, launching Bridgess, a public relations company, was less a challenge than a move forward. “There is always something to do,“ she said.
“My mind is always working. This is the philosophy of Bridgess. We’re not selling this glass of water—we’re selling the benefits of that glass of water. I train the people to think that way,” she added.
With the kids mostly grown and gone, she admitted to times of loneliness. “But I was much too absorbed in my work to feel unfulfilled or sad.”
And then the unexpected happened. In Toni’s own words:
“Three years ago, I was invited to a birthday dinner—Freddie Garcia’s. Moroccan. After dinner, there was dancing. Everyone at my table got up to dance. I was left alone because I did not have a partner. I started to weep.
“I went to the bathroom and cried my heart out. Next day, I went to the adoration chapel. I started praying, what’s wrong with you, JC, what’s wrong with me. After all these years, you never sent me someone. Even before that, I would talk to my husband—how come you never sent me someone who would love me the way you did?
“That was when I announced to God that I was ready. In the end, it was Jose Cuisia who introduced me to my husband now, and my husband’s full name is Lino Jesus Camon Palenzuela.”
What’s happening now with Toni in her second marriage is powerful, too, like walking into a miracle. “Through this relationship, I am finding out things about myself that I never knew or would not have known had I not met him. I never knew it was possible to be so happy making the other person happier.”
Toni met Lino on Feb. 13, 2009, as arranged by Joey and Vicky Cuisia at a dinner in the couple’s residence. Lino, widowed for four years, was Joey’s classmate in La Salle. He had been living in the United States for 40 years and was in Manila for his yearly visit. Toni and Vicky have been friends since their high school days.
That night, after dinner, Lino brought Toni to her car, said he was leaving in two days. Could he call her? Sure, she said. “I had butterflies in my stomach. But when I got home, I had forgotten all about it. As usual, my mind was occupied by what I was going to wear to a client meeting that morning.”
That was Friday, and the next day was Valentine’s Day. He did not call. “On Monday, he called if we could have dinner that night,” Toni said. “We went to New Orleans at The Fort. We ordered crabs, huge ones. He was surprised when I cracked the claws, took the meat out from the shell, and served him crab meat. It was a big thing for him. My first husband also was amazed when, on our first dinner date, I buttered his toast.”
Laughing while recalling her first date with her future groom, she roared, “it sealed the deal—without me intending it.”
She said she warmed up to him easily because they had been through their share of sorrow when they lost their spouses. “We exchanged notes about how we coped with being alone.”
On the day of his trip, Lino called Toni from the airport. Could he call her from abroad? Sure!
“So, almost every night he would call, then Lino started asking probing questions. Would I consider living overseas? He also invited me to a Mediterranean cruise,” she related, and this was the astonishing part of her story.
One would think that this woman, past 60, would feel liberated enough to say yes. But, no. She was bothered that he would ask her to go on a cruise with him, and told him off: “I hardly knew you.” He apologized, but would it be okay with her if he were to go back to Manila, “to see if we can really get along?” Sure!
Wedding date
Next thing, he was meeting her family, her friends, and on New Year’s eve, a wedding date was arranged. It became clear that Lino’s attachment abroad could not equal the strength of Toni’s ties in Manila. There was no question that he’d be the one to make the big move.
Their lives are so different, that they have had to chisel out their relationship. She said, “I love surprises, and I like breaking away from tradition. That’s why I have a cuff for an engagement ring.” (The cuff is 24-karat gold with the date of their first meeting encrypted in diamonds.)
He, the quiet one, asked, of course, why a cuff? She, the social animal, explained: “At my age, if I wear a ring, it’s just another ring. It’s also symbolic because it has an opening, which means you cannot own me totally.”
But she loves him totally, this new man in his life. “He is very loving. He wants to indulge me with travel, to show me all the places he’s been to. If I let him have his way, we would be packing every other month.”
They did not move into their new house until after their wedding. “I promised him a life of never-ending surprises,” Toni said, and Lino gave his word that he would never ever try to change any part of her.
“To me, you can be young again. Maribel Dionisio, a parenting counselor, has advised me: ‘Don’t think that just because you’ve been there, done that, it’s going to be the same. The two of you will be different to each other. Don’t expect, and do not compare. You begin again. This marriage will be like there is no first. Move on, you’re going to learn about each other.’”
Toni affirmed, saying it’s “really something new, like having a new boyfriend.” And this kind of happiness is also available to women who have been married a long time. Her sage advice: Continue to be your husband’s trophy. And let the tooth fairy work her magic.
Making married life interesting
IN THE words of Toni Gregory de Palenzuela:
I tell my husband, I don’t need a lot of money to make our living environment nicer. So, I walk everyday, I saw these green twigs. I would dry them until they’re brown. I paint them black. They look like corals. I saw these huge leaves. I use them as coasters. When I do my table setting, I don’t ask for help. I improvise as I go along.
Introduce something new in your marriage. Change your style of dress, change your hairstyle. You will feel brand new. Be excited about yourself again. And don’t give up on your husband. Buy him something new he can wear. Don’t ask him. Just buy it and have him wear it. Stop playing the role of the victim. Because if you’re happy about something, it is contagious. Your husband will be happy, too.
Stop the blame game. Now that there’s just the two of you, choose your battles. Let the small things go. Most of the time, it’s up to the women.
You have accumulated these experiences, you have read so many books; share. My mission is to make someone smile every day. Because maybe, just maybe, at that point, it is exactly what this person needs. Have something to be happy about, write it down. Once, I asked for a watering plant one birthday. So now my gumamelas are in bloom; they remind me of the giver.
Most important of all, do not expect.
