Dear Emily,

My 23-year-old daughter and her boyfriend who have been dating for three years just bought a house. The idea was he was going to move in. The plan has changed. They are moving in together.

My wife and I are against this 100 percent. We were both raised to believe that this is wrong. I hate the fact that this is about to happen. Does shacking up help a relationship or damage it? — Daniel C

Answer:

What is blurry is how your daughter and her boyfriend can buy a house TOGETHER, and not be assumed to move in together. Did they buy the house solely for him, her generosity coming from the goodness of her heart? Or were you her parents just being naive about the reality of their relationship?

They’ve been dating for three years now. Isn’t the natural conclusion or progression that they’d soon get married, or if not, start living together with or without anybody’s consent? Why are you against it? Did you think they were merely holding hands all these three years?

It’s the 21st century, and whether you’re 100 percent for or against this relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it. Your daughter is 23, for goodness’ sake. She’s of legal age and she’s undeniably exercising her independence—from you, her parents.

Wouldn’t you rather they tested the water now, than separate and hurl venom at each other shortly after marriage, as what is wont to happen now in most unions? Who knows what the future holds? Aren’t you proud your daughter and her boyfriend are fearless enough to try and give it their best shot?

Give them some slack. If you are footing the bill for this house, then you have every right to holler to high heavens your objection. But if their purchase is no skin off your nose, be an understanding parent and give your daughter the support she needs.

Be happy that she’s going in the right direction and starting a solid foundation in this relationship. Giving your approval to their plans is an affirmation of your respect and love for her.

Let them start this phase of their lives untroubled. There’s already so much dejection in the air.

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