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OCTOBER 27, 2022

“MS PHILIPPINES Between Two Colonizers,” by Gilda Cordero Fernando, owned by Erwin Elichicon

When I sit in the garden for my morning sunbath, the tweeting on the trellis above is real. The brown, long-tailed Angry Birds arguing fiercely above my head are not virtual. Neither is the mouse hiding behind the flowerpot. The spider is hanging on the jade vine, thank heavens, not on some world wide web.

I do not desire to explode a dragon in the night sky, or for that matter a sawa (that belongs to the Malabon Zoo) or a pla-pla (which I prefer to fry). Sky Cable is not my sky and Universal is where my spiritual mission lies.

This year, I have decided to be as real, as true to myself as I can ever be. It is the year of Truth (I hope). Even Tourism’s delicious slogan reflects it! How? The Philippines is not all white beaches or diving spots or smiles or beauty queens. The Filipinos are answering back and they are telling the truth. More fun in the Philippines because a lone jeepney can load, including the roof, about 34 souls! More fun in the Philippines because kids water the plants by peeing on them! Karaoke singers can be shot for singing “My Way.” Home improvement is hanging all your crops on the window during the Pista ng Lucban. And yes, unmotorized and made-of-wood are the mountain bikes of the Igorots.

But they forgot to say that you can sit in a jeepney, or the sidewalk, or in the middle of Luneta and someone will listen to your sob story (free psychiatric counsel). They forgot the Baguio souvenir, the carved giant spoon and fork to prove that a giant couple once roamed Bontoc. Oh, and they missed out on my favorite reality show, aling Dionesia who has just repainted her house. Why? Because in his sermon that morning, the priest said, “Repent! Repent!”

I don’t know (or really care) if the slogan appeals to tourists abroad but it has finally identified one of the Pinoy’s best talents—and that’s his sense of humor. He finds more fun in everything! If you have a cell phone you know. Daily you receive all those rollicking text jokes. So the bestsellers may never really be the Makati restos, or the surfing, or the Amorsolo sunset. Some two-bit foreign actress is sure to complain that she saw a cockroach in her room—eek! (kayo, wala?) Or that the taxi driver bilked her (kayo, hindi?!)

We have always been diffident about our English (P20 a pant. “I have colds.” “One coks please!”) when other countries-notably Japan, China and Malaysia are so cavalier about their faulty syntax. And everyone finds it so cute! I felt vindicated when my grandson e-mailed me this label from a Chinese hair dye he had bought. Unedited, it reads:

“MS PHILIPPINES Between Two Colonizers,” by Gilda Cordero Fernando, owned by Erwin Elichicon

“Bright movement of hair cream

“This is for the product of strong dint color shape can by oneself the own hair of creativity dye with shape, slice, monochrome, follow one’s inclinations too become as one’s pleases. Calculate dissatisfied also wash out to do it again.”

Susmariosep!

Translation: temporary hair dye

Who told us we should be speaking English anyway? I used to have this maid who asked me for money to buy a calculator for her grade-school kid. “Bibili ho ako ng korekolator,” she said. “Say it correctly and I’ll give it to you for free,” I replied. “Ay, ’yong reskolator pala,” she said, laughing at herself.

“’Yong reskolator,” I said, “nasa mol, parang hagdan na tumataas, bumababa.

’Yon ba ang bibilhin mo?” “Hindi ho, iskitaydor po pala,” she giggled. “Huh?!” “Basta iskolibetor, tama na ho ’yon!” “O sige,” I grinned, giving her the dole-out. “Bilhin mo na!”

She did succeed in buying a korekolator/reskolator for her kid. I am still wondering if anyone can still manage to multiply five by five without an “iskolibetor.”

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