Dear Emily,

My wife was the only girlfriend I ever had. Everyone in my family thought I’d become a priest because they never saw me interested in any girl in high school or college. When my friends started dating and getting married, their taunts  pushed me to look for a partner, as well.

I got hospitalized for dengue one time and the nurse who took my vital signs looked interesting. My family was happy when I asked her out. In one year, we were married. After two kids and six years of marriage, I knew she wasn’t happy with me. She accused me of having no passion, and even taunted me with questions like, “Are you gay?”

She ran off with a married doctor who promised her a life in the US. She left the kids with me. I didn’t feel bad when she left—it was more relief. I never felt the passion I’ve seen in the movies for her.

Fifteen years on, with my kids all grown, I still haven’t dated anyone. I have close male friends who I go out with all the time, but I never considered myself gay. On weekends we play golf or ride our motorcycles.

I have a respectable corporate life and my kids think highly of me. But I know they and everyone else are questioning what I am. I hate myself for being a coward and not knowing myself more. It’s a lonely life I am living.

THE QUESTION MARK

Why does it sound like a problem to you? Not dating any gender isn’t a crime and shouldn’t define who you are. It seems you have set your mind into thinking that sex is the be-all or end-all here.

So, you were pushed into marrying because of tradition and were being an obedient son.   Still, you didn’t become errant,  neurotic, unhappy or rebellious. You made a family with your wife despite falling short of her expectations.

But you’ve been consistent with your character. You may be living a lonely life now, but it is only because you have all these noises egging you to pursue a life that isn’t you.

Consider yourself one of those people who have no passion for relationships, but are content with themselves. You may not be giddy with happiness, but you seem to be passably pleased enough to get through life. That’s great—just live on an even keel. You’re lucky that way. As the saying goes, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Accept yourself for what you are. It’s already a blessing.

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