Dear Emily,
I am 52, married with five children, three of whom are already working.
I am not happy or in love with my wife, who is five years my senior. Since 2007, I’ve been having an affair with a separated 39-year-old woman with three minor children. She quit working when we got together and has been almost entirely dependent on me for subsistence and support. She knows my situation and has stuck with me all these years.
I am her counsel in her annulment case against her husband. We’ve had a good relationship, except for a few quarrels now and then.
A month ago, she suddenly said that she wants a family with me and, for the first time, she wanted me to choose between her and my wife.
I love this woman very much. She is my life and I know it will be very hard for me to move on without her. But, at the same time, I do not have the courage to call it quits with my wife and leave my children.
Does leaving my wife also mean leaving my family? Isn’t it too late for me to leave my wife at this stage of our life? But don’t I also have the right to be happy with this woman I love so much?—Lonely Professional
There are a slew of cliches to describe your situation, like, you cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs, and you cannot have your cake and eat it, too. These just all mean you cannot have this woman without inflicting pain on your family, much as you can’t have all the fun and not bear the brunt of any of its consequences.
You can always leave your wife however late in the day it is. She will hurt like hell and damn you to the high heavens for the grief you will be inflicting on her. Regardless, your children will remain your children.
The only thorn is, you cannot anymore enjoy their pure trust, sympathy and love when you leave them for this woman. You cannot prevent them from turning their backs on you. You cracked the jar and no amount of glue can hide the break you’ve caused.
But if you think your feelings for this woman is totally non-negotiable and that you’ve reached the point of no return, then move on! There’s no point in prolonging your agony. There’s nothing more pathetic than trying to rationalize the existence of something knowing fully well that it has gone.
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