Dear Emily,

I am 40 years old and married for almost 11 years to a guy whom I met online. He is five years my senior. I liked his well-modulated voice after we spoke and we decided to meet in person.

After going out for a few months, and being intimate with him, he proposed and decided that we get married.

Two months into our marriage I became pregnant. Sex became less. To satisfy my sexual urges, I would watch porn movies. When I gave birth and nursed my baby, my husband again stopped having sex with me saying that there was foul smell coming from my breasts.

I got fed up with him. I decided to work overseas to get out and find intimacy. I left my kid with him and a nanny.

I had several relationships abroad. Then, an uncle messaged me that he saw suspicious pictures of my husband and the nanny. I came home but my husband denied what my uncle told me.

Sex is an ongoing issue with me. I like regular lovemaking but my husband does not. I’ve run out of patience, and I am again going out and flirting, though we still live under the same roof.

I have nobody to confide in about my unsatisfied sex life for fear my friends and family will judge me. I want to end my life but then, my husband will be the beneficiary of what I’ve earned. There’s no divorce here and I really don’t want my son to grow up without both parents. Plus, I want to claim my husband’s SSS in due time. I am so confused and unhappy.—Cebuana.Sweatygurl

Your husband has has deprived you of the intimacy you need, making you seek for it outside your home and even going abroad to get it. Flirting for sex is dangerous as you don’t know what disease you can pick up and bring home even to your child. These amorous adventures may satisfy you for the moment, but they can never fill up the void in this marriage. They may even bring disastrous results if you don’t stem this urge you can’t seem to control. A child is involved here so be wary and act with caution.

Have you ever had one decent discussion with your husband regarding your relationship? Never? Then hold your husband by the scruff of his neck and start talking to each other now.

Forget those family and friends who you feel will mock you. They should know this is something that shouldn’t be shrugged off casually as it is more complex than how it sounds. What if you asked someone your husband truly respects to help you thresh out this marital anomaly?

Your problem doesn’t seem conventional and could have an underlying reason for it. Whatever difficulty you had growing up, you’re a grown woman now with a child. Can’t you make that supreme effort of controlling yourself and stop thinking of just your own happiness for a change?

Have you ever thought about your husband and what he truly feels about you? He might be having issues that he’d rather keep quiet about instead of confronting you directly? Or, could he possibly be suffering from an ailment you’re not aware of—the reason he is not having sex with you?

You may start looking in his direction to help clear the air. Who knows, your problem may not be all about you. Fix your relationship first, then start fixing your urges.

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