Dear Emily,
I’ve been in a relationship for eight years now, but I’m not happy with my live-in boyfriend anymore. There’s absolutely no passion or excitement between us. In the beginning, everything was fun, romantic and sweet. We moved in together three years ago because we discussed marriage and wanted to save up for our wedding. But he has not proposed until now.
I must confess I’m getting tired of waiting. We rarely make love or do any of the things we used to do. I don’t know what went wrong with our relationship. We don’t argue often, but this indifference and coldness are getting too much for me.
Five months ago, I met a new guy and I’ve been having an “emotional affair” with him. He is amazing, very sweet, kind and respectful toward me. I can open up to him about anything, unlike my boyfriend. He even proposed to me and wants to marry me. He said he will take care of me and be the man I deserve. He wants me to leave my boyfriend so we can get married as soon as possible.
I’m in love with both of them. My live-in boyfriend is hardworking and responsible, but he has grown cold toward me, while my new paramour excites me and gives me the attention I crave, including the proposal I’ve wanted from my boyfriend. How do I choose between these two men?
—MS INAMORATA
Didn’t both your boyfriend and this new paramour give you excitement, love, sweetness and romance at the start of your relationships with them? You even lived with the first because you’ve already planned a life with him. Their difference now is the first one has lost steam, while the new one is still all agog over you.
Your paramour came at a time when you were already bored and had a lot of issues with your live-in partner. Suddenly you were awakened by this new guy who is giving you the excitement you’re craving for. But, you’re looking at both of them from different perspectives. Eight years with your live-in partner is a long time, even for married couples. Ever heard of the seven-year itch, when couples start “uncoupling”? That’s not the same as the five-month “emotional affair” with your paramour. That’s just being in a honeymoon state, had you gotten married when you first met. You don’t know this new guy enough and are only relying on the excitement and novelty of his “newness.”
Have you ever analyzed what made your boyfriend change toward you? No matter how thin you slice an apple, there will always be two sides to it. Could you not have had a hand in that?
You’re a big girl now to gauge what you truly want—or need. Just remember that the other man’s grass is always greener, until you start walking on it.
