I was a victim of date rape in college when I was 17 years old. I was so drunk I don’t even remember what happened. I just knew the beast who cornered me the whole evening was the married brother of my dorm mate. To hide my pregnancy from my parents, I asked to go to the province of my mother in the south and stay with my favorite aunt and “get to know life,” I said. I was a problem child, and they were only too glad to let me go. We’re five siblings; I am the only girl and the most spoiled.
My aunt was very understanding of my plight and hid everything from my parents. When I gave birth, she “adopted” my daughter, who she said was the child of her maid. I came back to Manila after a year and a half. I finished my college with honors and later worked for a multinational company.
Twenty years hence and I am now a successful company executive. Friends are confused if not puzzled at how a successful woman like me would refuse to go on dates or even want to entertain males within or outside the company. Many think I am a lesbian and I never made any effort to dispute their gossip.
My child is now with me and just finished her schooling. Everyone thinks she is the kid of the “maid” who had the good luck of being “adopted” by me. Nobody still knows about my secret child except my aunt, and her most trusted old maid who nursed me when I gave birth.
But six months ago, I met the country manager of another multinational company who is the first man I’ve been attracted to in 20 years. From our quiet conversations, he told me how paranoid he has become of women he’s been meeting in this country because many of them just want to use him for their own ambitions.
That got the brakes on my emotions screeching to a halt. I suddenly didn’t feel comfortable with him anymore. Will my past constantly hound me and not give me any break finding the love that is just for me?
Who cares what this man thinks about the other females he has met? That’s his problem, not yours. You know who you are and you know it’s not you he is talking about.
That goes for the mentality of your other “friends” who are questioning your sexuality. What do they care about what you do in private, and what is it to them? Will knowing your gender preferences put food on their table?
Accept the fact that your past will never be deleted from your life. You’ve become what you are now because of your doing. As one mother said to her daughter, “Life is not about what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you!” You did everything right that you thought was best for you.
As to ever finding another love, let fate surprise you. Just refrain from rushing around and looking for it. What will be, will be.
From the looks of it, you’ve gotten yourself into one helluva ride already. Enjoy the rest of it!