DEAR EMILY,

I trusted my husband so much that I never suspected he would cheat on me. In 2005, he confessed to having two children by another woman. I was devastated, but in wanting to preserve our marriage, I agreed to let him visit the family twice a month on weekends, but not to stay overnight. I even sent groceries and gifts for the children.

My actions drew them closer, and the woman became arrogant and proud toward me. I learned from friends that my husband brought her to overnight outings with officemates, while he has never brought me to any.

My children are grownup and all professionals. I myself still have my own job. I never questioned his income or how he gave them financial support. Due to my hatred of that woman, I have now shut my mind and heart to those children as well.

We often quarrel and treat each other like strangers. I wanted to end my life and I was suicidal for almost two years, but he consoled me and promised he’ll never leave me and will stay with me till the end. I know it will also make the other woman happy if I died. My only goal in life is, when we grow old, we will always stay together and see my children successful.

My siblings told me to accept my fate and just forgive and forget his wrongdoings. But how can I enjoy life when I know this woman is always waiting for him? I cannot forget the pain she has inflicted on me and will never forgive her till my next life.

—Wife in Pain

Answer:

If you want to be a martyr, travel in time and join the myriad of earlier martyrs who were beheaded, crucified and fed to the lions—for causes that meant something and worth dying for. But not for a husband who is clearly able to jump trouble-free between two beds, with a mariachi band in tow.

You have a job to support you, your children are now all professionals, and you’re this woman, though with so much hate in her heart, still willing to sacrifice her dignity just so her husband will stay with her till the end?

If he is giving you so much pain—which is obvious since he even humiliates you by flaunting the other woman in office affairs—how can you be thinking of this creep being with you until the end? Doesn’t that speak volumes of how he has clearly ended his emotional attachment to you?

His feelings are dead in the water. To paraphrase a line from a song, “His lips may be near, but where is his heart?” Sure, he has not left you physically, but his heart definitely has. And you’re content with that?

You are suffering for nothing. Nothing! Times have changed when women depended on their husbands for everything. But you don’t really need him except for this crazy wish to be with him in the end. Get a dog who will love you and be forever loyal to you. It will even pee from excitement when you come home at night.

There’s so much to do, places to see, books to read, food to taste. Why are you so scared to be alone? Don’t you have friends?

Just remember, life is short, and there’s an expiry date.

([email protected] or [email protected]—Subject: Lifestyle)