The other night at a fundraiser, a friend approached me and asked, “Why don’t you write about people who stay married; those who love being married?”

I was floored.  I thought I had.  Was it only a passing thought? Did I dismiss it because I know painfully little about what to say?

Have I been spending too much time bemoaning the plight of the couples I know?  Do the questions I ask, the things I write, say more about what makes it fail, than about what makes marriage work? Do my scars show?

I apologize.

Sadness is like a river with a swift current that can sweep everyone in its path, down and deep where wounds are buried and secrets hidden. I got carried away.

I know many who stay in a marriage—not because they have to, but because they want to. They believe it is a place close to heaven. Today I celebrate them with love and, truth to tell, a tinge of envy.

Just for the record, I do believe in marriage.  I revel with the soon-to-be-married. When I hear about an engagement, hope soars in my heart.  I cry at weddings. As soon as the bride enters, the floodgates open. It is a day full of promise. Sadness is forgotten, regrets set aside.

My inquisitive friend’s eyes sparkle as we chat. Anyone would think she’s on her honeymoon. But she and her husband have been married over 30 years. Deep in their hearts they believe that their union is a gift from God.

I ask the same inane question most people ask about a successful marriage or of a person of age who still looks good (as opposed to falling apart). “What is your secret?”

My friend wears no sacred amulet. Neither does her husband.

“There is no secret,” she states. “But one must have inner peace. Only then can you give love joyfully to another person. There have been rough spots. When I was going through ‘the change,’ I had mood swings. It was difficult.”

Tailspin

Studies show that it is during menopause that women contemplate a divorce. Our hormones go on a tailspin. There are physical and neurological symptoms. Dr. Louann Brizindine, author of “The Female Brain,” says, “The mommy brain unplugs.” The husband sees the changes in the object of his affection. Some experts call it the “make or break stage of a marriage.”

By the way, this happens to men as well. Androgen decline is also a hormone issue and often spurs a midlife crisis. Whoa! Let’s not even go there.

My friend continues. “I was super sensitive, unreasonably jealous. The stress would have prompted a lesser man to look for comfort elsewhere.  My husband sought explanations instead. Our family OB-gyne patiently educated him on menopause and advised him to give me space and time.

“A few years ago, my husband had a quadruple bypass. I was frightened. Four years later I needed and got a pacemaker. We call ourselves ‘the heartthrobs.’”

Statistics have shown that even a stable marriage can crumble when confronted by a major illness. But their relationship remained rock solid.

“We are together 24/7. Once a week, it’s ‘we’ time. That could be lunch, a movie, or window-shopping.  We still sleep in the same bed. He tucks me in. We pray together. We laugh a lot. We still hug and kiss. A lot.”

I asked her to describe an ordinary day in their life. I loved her answer: “Every day is extraordinary. A gift. We have learned to value life and one another. We have three beautiful children; they are our treasures.”

Another friend was a bride in her late teens. While many see this as a “kiss of death” for marriage, today she feels it helped her and her “fresh out of college” husband to “grow up together.”

Top priority

“Our five children came quickly and close together. The budget was strained. I was busy trying to be a good wife and mother.  We both needed a lot of patience. I learned to cook, keep house, and attend to our children while he worked hard to provide for us.  He was selfless and always considered my children and I as his top priority. I made sure to always be there for him, in all kinds of weather. It was not always smooth and sunny. Everyone gets bumps along the way.”

Today, more than 50 years later, she does not remember having to try too hard to make it work.

“No matter what problems came up, I always believed in and focused on living ‘happily ever after.’  Today when we see other marriages fail we realize that, but for the grace of God, it could have been us.  We are thankful. Maybe our marriage was made in heaven?”

I know a wonderful lady, married to a lawyer, who swears that since they were married more than 40 years ago, they have not had a single fight. “Disagreements? Yes of course.  But we have not fought, ever.”  She smiles happily while our entire Bible group stares in disbelief.

What makes a marriage withstand the test of time?

Weathering the storms, and climbing the peaks and valleys together seems key. Riding out the potholes and ruts on the road, side by side, while enjoying the scenery even on the detours.  Keeping your sense of humor. Laughing together. Sharing the joys and woes.  It means sitting up all night together, praying for your child’s fever to break. It is holding hands nervously at a kindergarten recital.  Feeling proud and teary eyed at a college graduation.  Caring enough to bring out the best in each other, wanting his happiness even above yours. It means falling in love with one another over and over again.

It also means never throwing in the towel. Never giving up. Never!

Remember: “If we can try with every day to make it better, as it goes, with any luck then I suppose, the music never ends”—from “How Do You Keep the Music Playing” composed by Michel Legrand, lyrics by Alan and Marilyn Bergman