DEAR EMILY,

When does the past stay in the past? When is it too hot to handle? When the past keeps popping up in the present, how do you deal with it?

I am in a relationship with this guy, and I am asking those questions after I accidentally opened his mail and found him communicating with his ex-girlfriend’s kid (not his).

I am not the bad person in this scenario. I know he’s a great guy and just wants to continue showering this teen the same love and support, even after he has separated from her mother. We’re going on eight months now, and apparently, when there is a kid involved, the let-go-and-move-on phase gets a bit hazy.

They hardly see each other, but the kid calls and constantly asks him for stuff. What I don’t get is, can’t the new lover take over paying for her expenses, instead of my boyfriend?

How can his ex-girlfriend work her relationship with her new boyfriend if my guy continues to be in the picture and continues to give in to this teen’s every whim? How can he tell if he’s helping the kid or posing a risk by giving her new gadgets that could attract a snatcher’s attention in addition to constantly loading her cell phone? Is this caring or meddling on his part?

—Concerned

Answer:

There’s a name for this kind of person—your guy is a sucker! Oh sure, the teen would want the assurance of his sweet voice, and he can call his generosity to her caring, love, responsibility, but at the end of the day, when it’s obvious that all the kid wants from him is stuff—well, fill in the blanks yourself. Let’s call a spade a shovel! It’s money the kid wants, period. And, clearly, she’s wound him around her not-so-innocent fingers.

Why doesn’t he just put up a trust fund or a bank account in her name if he wants to make this a lifetime concern? It’ll be easier for you, and everyone else, without making a song and dance about it—unless he still carries a torch for this ex-girlfriend and is just using this kid as an excuse to win her back, who knows?

What you should be giving thought to is, your eight months with him may not yet have created the traction needed to steady this relationship. A good honest conversation may be what you both need.

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