DEAR EMILY,

I am 23 years old, and I have a boyfriend who is seven years older than me. We met through a friend two years ago. We became close, though he was jobless while I was in my final year in college.

He later traveled for his work, and I never stopped being the party girl I was before he left. Later, I met a guy who lived just five houses from mine. He is also 30 years old, like my other boyfriend.   He’s comfortable to be with. He looks so perfect.

We have become very close—we talk, we laugh, no pretenses. We’ve had sex three or four times now. The problem is he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.  He has numerous girlfriends, though he loves me, I know. What can I do to make him concentrate more on me and leave those flings?

—Divided

Did you know he had these relationships before you even started having sex with him? If so, why are you suddenly changing the rules in the middle of the game? If it’s just an “inkling” you had that he loves you, it will never be the same as hearing those words from his own lips.

Did you think his character would change overnight, just for you? Bear in mind that he is seven years your senior! He has the maturity and the experience to twirl women unsuspecting of the ways of the world around his finger. What did you expect? Unless he finds something extraordinarily special in you, you’ll only be one of the girls on his fun list!

Had you given him time to know you better, like you better, and allowed him to discover you as that deserving woman who could hook him for life, we probably won’t be having this conversation. But as things stand, he already got you into bed—what else is there to haggle about?

If it’s not too late and you honestly believe you’ve finally found this “perfect person,” make him see your real worth—not just a body he can have for sex. Show him how different you are from his other girlfriends, how they pale in comparison to you, and what an asset you can be to him while he forges ahead and makes his mark in this life. Then you may have a fighting chance to win him over.

Otherwise, he has no reason to change the comfort of the status quo.

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