DEAR EMILY,

My husband and I have known each other for 18 years—first in an 11-year relationship, and then married for five. He told me our relationship would meet its fruition with marriage. He is only three years older, but I look up to him.

We had an argument on our wedding night and the possibility of annulment was mentioned. He was my only boyfriend and I wanted to make our marriage work. Only in our first year of marriage did we spend Christmas together.

He said holidays like Christmas and New Year are for fieldwork. He works abroad and I used to live with him until I tried working in the Philippines last year, as a breather since we’re still childless. The thing is, we rarely try, as he prefers to tinker with his PC or watch online documentaries.

I’m currently with him abroad and just this week, I accidentally saw his e-mails to his mistress over the last three years.  His treatment of me became clear. I had a hunch back then, and had no proof until now. His mistress knew all along he’s married with a wife in the Philippines. He said he had already finished it and had been wanting to do so for a long time.

I want to give our marriage another chance and raise kids, but being intimate with him again is difficult, even though I still want to be in bed with him. Coming from a family of devotees, I believe in only one marriage in my life and I can’t imagine myself with another man.

I’m flying back in a few days. He said he would visit me at my parent’s house. I don’t know what to do about my situation from now on.

BEE

You’ve only spent one Christmas together in this 18-year relationship? And he gives the excuse of fieldwork on occasions normally saved for family?

There’s not much bonding or emotional attachment to go on, is there?

With no children to care for, it’s pretty sad that there’s nothing sacred between you two. Not much seems to be holding you together. There’s not even sex to look forward to, because you’ve seen how he prefers his documentaries and his PC over you!

How good are you in bed? No intimacy even once a month? A year? How interesting are you?  Do you have a sense of humor? Do you even talk when you’re together?

If you’re together just to keep your vows forever, how do you define a marriage without sex or bonding—housemates or dormmates perhaps? Or part of the layout of the house as far as your husband is concerned?

Is that enough? He’s had a mistress for three years! And despite his denial, who knows the truth really? But you know in your gut what has become of your marriage exactly.

The song “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” seems to set the tone of your relationship. Or probably, for your husband, the song “When I’m Not Near the Girl I Love (I love the girl I’m near)” is more like it.

You may wish to go on forever in this marriage, but the horizon doesn’t look bright. You are feeling the widening gulf yourself. A breather is taking a refreshing vacation for a few weeks or a month, tops. Not pursuing a life away from each other.

Eighteen years is a lifetime for some couples. Enough time to turn many marriages either from an oasis of comfort to a bleak, hopeless desert—feast or famine. If you can take this kind of a life and truly and honestly continue loving your husband, however unfaithful he turns out to be, so be it. Be a devotee to the institution like the other members of your family.

But if you think you deserve a better life, there are choices, should you have the energy for it. It’s your call.

P.S. Many, many thanks to those who sent their condolences to our family on the sudden and untimely passing of our youngest brother, Bondjie. We are truly grateful!

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