The gates of heaven and hell have closed down and the unfriendly ghosts are finally where they belong. We at Preen would like to congratulate you for surviving the Ghost Month! However, if the Ghost Month left you feeling like Kris Aquino’s acting coach after seeing Feng Shui 2, then prepare your soul for another round of bad juju because Mercury Retrograde happens tomorrow.

Every year, Mercury goes in retrograde three times, each one lasting three weeks. This happens when Mercury slows down during its course, making it appear to those of us down here on Earth that the planet is spinning backwards. Now, Mercury is known as the messenger of the gods and the backward movement supposedly casts an energetic effect on human beings, causing a major slowdown in certain areas of our lives.

Last January, we experienced 2015’s first retrograde which explains why Rihanna started hanging out with Leonardo DiCaprio. By our second retrograde in May 2015, RiRi was talking trash about how Leo looks like crap. Retrograde in action. This Sept. 17 until Oct. 9, Mercury, our planetary asshole, will cause lapses in communication, eff up relationships, and pretty much ruin us all.

But don’t worry. Here are 10 ways to power through the Mercury Retrograde:

#1 Keep swimming
Unlike last Ghost Month wherein people scrambled all over just to avoid doing business during those dreaded days, it’s best to just keep on doing what you’re doing during the Mercury Retrograde. Signing contracts is still ill-advised. It’s best to review and double-check everything before you ink a contract. Think about your actions carefully, and always keep a steady pace in doing the crucial stuff.

#2 Let fate communicate
It’s somehow curious, but the retrograde entices people to reconnect with their past. The prefix “re-“ is something that feels like a staple during these times. A few examples: refresh (for your browser), reheat (not food, but your passion), and yes, rekindle. An ex or an old friend might come crawling back to you through text or a DM. Ignoring them may cause hurt, so be more open. Spread your legs if you feel like doing it.

#3 #WalangForever
Cool, you reconnected with an ex (or old friend)! Doing so during the retrograde only means one thing: It won’t last. #WalangForever. Mercury reunions aren’t meant to last. Once the planet becomes direct, you will be faced with the painful choice to leave it behind or to keep on clinging. There’s a reason why that person’s your ex. It’s important to think about decisions, and REALLY THINK about them to avoid cosmic chaos.

#4 Coy problems
Body language is something that you should always keep in check during the retrograde. Don’t be shy, and try not to be coy when dealing with people. Keep your movements aligned with what you want to express, and try not to make unnecessary gestures that others might misinterpret. The retrograde is notorious for foggy communication. Speak your mind and be direct. No pa-bebe necessary.

#5 Traffic is a trap
We all know that Manila’s terrifying traffic is caused by poor urban planning, drivers without discipline, and a lack of enforcement. It’s really not the fault of the retrograde, but since we’re tired of blaming our fellow motorists and the government, let’s just blame a planet’s optical illusion. What you can do is to leave early to reach your destination on time. Or quit your job and work at home. We can’t do anything about the traffic except maybe if we all move to Mercury na lang.

#6 Avoid the sched dread
Your schedule is going to be a mess during the retrograde. The lapses in communication coupled with the number of things that you’re doing because of the “–ber months” means that you’re bound to feel the sched dread. Plan ahead, and make sure you have time for everything: books, boys, bitches, a burrito…

#7 Don’t be a gossip, girl
It’s been months since The Buzz left the air, perhaps all is well since gossiping should really be avoided during the retrograde. It’s fun to gossip especially when your friends’ lives are juicy, and your thirst for chismis cannot be quenched, but it can also ruin lives, relationships, and your nails. Talk to your friends about positive things like achieving world peace, finding hope during a zombie apocalypse, or discussing what your babies with the members of One Direction would look like.

#8 Think like a techie
Hey, have you heard of the cloud? It’s this great thing that hackers will try to penetrate just to get their hands on your dirty photos. But in all honesty, the cloud is something that you should use during the retrograde. Backing up your important files (read: not scandals) that you need at work is important. Doing this not only for your computer, but also for your phone and tablets will save you from a potential mental breakdown.

#9 Don’t break, don’t vent
Speaking of breakdowns: don’t have one. This is not the right time to be passive-aggressive on social media. Keep the haterade to yourself, and try not to lash out on anyone. With the retrograde maintaining its focus in Libra, there’s a risk of getting into legal trouble if you don’t act properly in public or online. Here’s looking at you, Enrique Gil.

#10 Be enlightened
Communication is key, but when the retrograde’s bringing you down, it’s best to keep your thoughts pure and your actions valid. Dark days are ahead during the retrograde, except for one day: Sept. 30th. This is when Mercury will align with the Sun’s orbit, casting a solid light to our thoughts. Make a mental note of this day when you’re making grand decisions. Think about your actions and scale back on the crazy. Once Mercury is direct (meaning the planet is back on track), you’ll be good to go.

Art by Dorothy Guya