Dear Emily,

I am a 50-year-old mother of three and married to an unfaithful husband. I discovered his five-year affair with a 24-year-old woman and their two-year-old child a year ago when he asked my permission to take out a loan on his salary.

He is in the military. He said this child was very sickly and having seizures. He was very repentant, saying the woman was not supposed to get pregnant. He offered her money to go home to her parents in the province when this happened but she refused. Now, the child needs to be hospitalized.

I kept this secret, however painful, never sharing it with my two older children who are working abroad, or my relatives.

My husband is a good provider despite this. He gives me 100 percent of his salary and even shares whatever he earns on the side. He doesn’t even ask for the money I earn from our small family business—but this ties me up in the house, and I don’t have time to go out and relax.

I’ve asked for a separation but he won’t agree. He said we will stay together till we grow old. He even consults me and asks for my opinion when the child is sick.

He visits the child three times a week but never stays the night. He said he’s just very concerned because on top of her illness, she still cannot speak. He is with me weekends and holidays and won’t visit the child even if she’s sick on those days. Sometimes I ask about his relationship with the child’s mother and he says there is none.

He asks me to understand the situation until this woman finds her own partner and their child is in a stable and normal condition. He said he doesn’t want to deprive her of the good life he has given to his other children.

What’s the best and right thing to do in my situation?

TROUBLED MOM

There is no best or right thing in your situation. As a principal actor in this drama, everything depends on how well your emotions and mind respond to the cards you’ve been dealt with.

On one hand, your husband is definitely a louse. But on the other, the fact that he shares everything with you now that you’ve discovered his other life and is generous to you financially makes him a good person in a way. Clearly, he’s making amends for his unconscionable deed.

It is unspeakably difficult to be in a crowded marriage. You have murder and flight and getting even all together in your mind. And they are all quite justified, in theory. If he continues to be truthful and honest about his relationship with this woman, give him the chance he is asking for. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, as they say.

You can probably salve your hurt by looking forward and just moving on. Since you’ve accepted the status quo, might as well make lemonade from lemons. If, however, he gets the woman pregnant again, then that’ll be an altogether different kettle of fish. You will just have to review what’s right for you then.

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