Dear Emily,
I am past 60, married to a funny guy who is more a friend than a lover, and having an affair with a married man who loves his wife.
We’ve never spoken about living together, ever. We’re content with the status quo and our unspoken commitment to each other.
I’ve remained in the periphery of his life, masochistic perhaps, but that’s all right. I have enough love for the two of us. We’ve been lovers almost a decade now, but it’s because of my unconditional love for him that we’ve remained so. I know he’s happy with me, and that has made me very happy.
We lead separate lives. We don’t infringe on each other’s personal space outside of this affair. It is through our detachment from the aspects of our own families that we feel complete.
I was one of those who used to badmouth my women friends or just strangers who are having affairs. I’d scoff at them and call them adulterers, and roll my eyes at how immoral they’re behaving.
But once I fell down from my high horse upon setting eyes on my would-be lover, I understood exactly what happened to them.
The feeling is really indescribable. One moment you’re a sane, balanced, mature woman. The next, you’re like a teenager behaving like a balloon flying in the clouds without a string to hold it down. It is a senseless, immature, totally insane feeling, but absolutely heavenly.
We’re still together, we’re still lovers. I felt insecure only once and told him we probably should just end it. He just held me very tight without a word. Then he simply said, “No.” That was all the assurance I needed.
Being judgmental has no place in human nature. I experienced what many have experienced. I don’t know why it happened to me. But I know it has made me more understanding of life.
Fate has a way of echoing the sayings, “All is fair in love and war,” and that “Everyone is created equal.” Just you wait.
LESSONS LEARNED
Your letter is quite like the others that have quite grown in number. Which proves oftentimes that it truly takes three to make a marriage work.
Marriage is hard work. We’ve heard the old folks say it is so unlike hot rice which one can just spit out once it burns the mouth. You deal with it and cope with it in whatever way you could. Effectively. Quietly. Discreetly.
As long as both lovers define their objectives, know their place in the relationship, follow and respect unsaid but binding rules—like no demands, no histrionics, no insecurities, no scandals, no trolling, no spying—then it’ll be really heaven with no strings attached.
Otherwise, completely disentangle from this entanglement if problems arise. Why make it another version of the acrimonious marriage one of you might have been trying to escape from? That is being masochistic.
Make it boldfaced unconditional love—with all the intrinsic qualities that befits the word. You’d be giving this relationship a wide enough berth to come, go and have a dance about in.
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