DEAR EMILY,

My  parents  are  not  my  real  parents;  they  took  take care  of  me  from  the  day  I  was born, when my  biological  mother decided to  give  me  away.  I would  learn  later  that  she  was  a young  woman  from  a  wealthy  family in  the  province.

I  am  married  to  a  foreigner;   we  love  each  other  dearly but  I am  sad  to  say  we  have not been blessed  with  a  baby.

For  many  years  I  have  been hearing  rumors that I am not the real daughter of my parents.  This is very disturbing, especially for  a  teacher like me.

I  want  to  ask  my  parents  who  my  real mother  is.  But  I  cannot  ask  them;  that’s  my  problem.   I  might  hurt  their  feelings,  and, really, I  don’t  know  if  I should still be curious about my origins at  this  point in my life.  I’m already in my mid-40s.   Shall I just try to disregard the rumors?

—Zenaida

If you’ve been having this bone in your throat as to your origin, you might as well get it over with. Do your own research.  You are of age and, essentially, won’t need the permission of your adoptive parents to pursue this. You can do it quietly.

Weren’t you told the truth incrementally—when, as a child, you already showed enough curiosity about what was going on around you?  Didn’t you hear whispers from relatives or neighbors about your looks and those of your parents’?  Didn’t you ever encounter a heartless kid in the playground who cracked nasty jokes at your expense?

Most parents purposefully shield their adoptees from what they perceive as unnecessary heartaches by trying to hide possible differences, such as their looks.  There are more pragmatic and open-minded couples, however, who lay out every single detail of the adoption at the earliest possible opportunity.

Though some children get shocked when they realize it’s not nature that brought them together with these parents, others are happy and feel lucky and special that from the many to choose from, their parents zeroed in on them to bring home.  Different strokes for different folks, really.

If you’re bent on finding out your origins, go online to the Filipino Adoptees Network (FAN) and you’ll find most of what you’d want to know about adoption.  The website suggests that:

“If you are under the age of 18 years old, you MUST have the consent of your legal guardian to initiate a search and reunion.

“There is no guarantee that a search will be successful, but this should not deter you from doing so. A search can actually provide unknown information that you were unaware of and can sometimes fill the gaps in your adoption story.

“The following information will be very helpful. It can be found on your birth certificate or the case study conducted before your adoption.

—Date of birth

—Location of birth

—Name of orphanage in the Philippines if you resided in one before your adoption

—Whether your adoption was private or not

—Name of foreign adoption agency, i.e. US agency

—Date of adoption

—Name of birth mother”

However, it is emphasized that “if you were privately adopted prior to the 1980s, there is no guarantee of such records.”

Don’t worry about your parents.  They have loved you all this time and there’s no reason to think you’d be hurting them if you search for your identity. They only want you to be happy.  Besides, they’d do the same had your roles been reversed.

So, good luck!

E-mail [email protected] or [email protected], subject: Lifestyle.