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Emily’s Post

She’s marrying her mother’s ex-boyfriend

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DEAR EMILY,

I am a 43-year-old single mom to an eight-year-old daughter. My husband died eight years ago, before our daughter’s birth, and we’ve been living with my parents since. I am working as a school nurse and my salary is really not enough for us.

My problem started when I met an 82-year-old divorced American guy who was introduced to me by a friend. She said this guy wanted to meet me, but she warned me that he is old enough to be my father.

When we finally talked, I found him interesting, with a sense of humor, and clearly old.  When he proposed, I readily said yes. I thought about the future of my child, as well as a comfortable life for my parents.

While we were talking, he said he was going to tell me something he didn’t want to hide from me before our relationship deepened. He confessed that he was my mother’s former boyfriend! I got cold sweat and was dizzy for a while, and when I came around, I asked him what went wrong.

He said my grandmother didn’t approve of him then because he was a drunkard and a womanizer. My mother married a businessman instead, who is my dad.

I will be getting my fiancée’s visa in eight months, and I don’t know how to tell my mother about him. I am now worried about the future of my daughter.

—BURDENED

Do you need money that badly to be getting married to this old guy?

Your mother must be around your boyfriend’s age by now. Ask her if she ever met this certain American. Then let her re-live what she remembers of him. Could her memory of him still be lucid, you think? If she recalls their time together with passion, tread slowly and ask how she feels about him now. But if she sounds ambivalent, go for it and tell her. The shortest distance between two points is still a straight line. Tell her exactly what your plans with him are.

How sure are you that your future and your daughter’s will be secure with your marriage to this old guy? Since he must know that you are not coming in for the sexual experience, is he comfortable to be your sugar daddy? Has he stashed away enough cash to give you two a life of comfort?

You are a nurse, and you must know how comforting and attractive that is to an 82-year-old man. Face it—imagine home care! He may not look his age, but how long before parts of him start breaking down? Are you prepared to give him the care he will need? Will you have the devotion he will be expecting from this marriage? Do you have the patience and stamina for a long and saintly haul?

Your situation looks surmountable on paper because your case is clearly not unique or unheard of—a young girl getting married to an old man.  But, is your mind prepared to go through life with him, in spite of the money? And what if he still carries a torch for your mother and actually wants to get to her through you—what now?

Are you sure you’ve tried every available means to get a better job? Remember the saying, “from the frying pan into the fire?”  Or the Filipino saying, “nasa banig na, pumunta pa sa sahig?”

Long story short: things may not turn out as rosy as you dream them to be.

(emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com—subject: lifestyle)


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Tags: fixed marriages , Marriage , marrying an older man , marrying for convenience , single mom

  • Anonymous

    go on my dear… marami ang nagsisisi dahil hindi sila nagtry. kasi naisip kaagad nila ang negative side.

    if you try and failed, wala kang pagsisisihan kasi at least you tried.

    isa pa bago ang lahat, ipinagtapat n’ya na kasi kung mangluluko lang yon, magtatapat lang yon pagka nabuko na o naka panglamang na.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nubbin.zareno Nubbin A. Zareno

    its just a question of..WALA KNB TIWALA SA SARILI MO?, u cudnt get urself and daughter into financial wellness?.. FIND URSELF A BETTER PAYING JOB.. if maluho or magastos ka? tsch..tsch.. nsa crisis at nghhirap din ang mga americans ngayon alam mo ba? i doubt he has a good amount of savings, as u have said drunkard and womanizer sya..

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4MACQWC27EJFWPF2GNI2YWWQGM Manuel

      You probably don’t know the situation of nurses in the philippines. Over worked and underpaid,

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_PNTIGXL3JZVKOJDRXXDYGGBUUY Jerry

    looks like he’s honest enough to divulge everything. why not try to know if he owns a mortgage free house, savings, insurance, car, kins who might be in the will, etc. believe me, it’s not easy as it seems.

  • Anonymous

    I know of a friend’s wife who did this and she did not regret it. Her two sons are now living their comfortable lives abroad. But you are a nurse. What you can do is to pass the NCLEX so you can get a job in U.S. and make sure you become a legal resident as soon as possible. With that even if he hits the bucket you can support yourself and your kid. If he gets sick and he has Medicare, it would not be a problem. But you have to learn how to drive a car, as early as you can, because in U.S. everybody drives to and from workplace.

  • Anonymous

    get a pre-nup.  he must adopt your kid. don’t get pregnant.
    pre-nup? so that when he divorce you, there’s still something left for you
    adopt your kid? so that when he divorce or dies, there’s something left for the kid
    don’t get pregnant… duh!

    all in all? bad choice, you’re educated, act and think like one

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/FZWHMCH22JQKLP3F24CC2IXX44 Nerisa De Leon

    if you love him, then marry him. don’t just marry him because of the money you’ll get or something. i agree with the comments below, get yourself a better paying job. iba pa rin if you
    can stand on your own. =)



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