Emily’s Post

Torn between his wife and his ageing mother

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DEAR EMILY,

I’ve been married less than a year. I’m an only son to a mother who just got widowed.  My mother has no living relatives, as well.

Aside from my wife, I am her only family.

I love my mother very much, and I see her as often as I can so she won’t feel lonely and alone. She is very prone to depression.   I want her to live with me and my wife in our house, but that’s where my problems started.

My wife wouldn’t hear of that suggestion.   She does not want us to move into my mother’s house so I can take care of her.    She has also said that bad things are happening to me because of karma, and that I am a negative person.

I made the big decision of moving out of our house and taking care of my ailing and depressed mother.   I feel that my wife has come up short in terms of supporting me in these times of trouble.

CONFUSED HUSBAND

Shouldn’t you two still be in your honeymoon stage, all misty-eyed and lovey-dovey, trying to out-please each other in all ways possible? Or is that fantasy just in fairy tales?   Have you already unleashed your fangs and claws in this short time together?  Should they be coming out in matters of responsibility to a parent?  Isn’t that quite questionable?

Is the home you share with her too small that they’d be breathing down each other’s necks or bumping into each other at every turn?  Are they not friendly enough to breathe the same air in a room?    Is your mother hard to get along with?  Is your wife jealous of your close ties with her?  Why is she mentioning this karma thing in relation to your mother?  Aren’t you, as a couple, even friendly with each other?

The fact that you’ve separated from your wife over something that could have been easily solved by a quiet discussion means your worry over your mother has overpowered you enough to let go of your wife.

Has she not considered the fact that your mother may not have much longer to live?    Will it kill her to allow you to care for your mother for what may be left of her life?  Isn’t she proud of your devotion, and how you could have the same commitment to her in this marriage?

Your request to her isn’t even whimsical!  It’s truly sad that your wife doesn’t share your deep concern for your mother.

There’s a saying:   “A man can have as many wives as he possibly can.  But he will only have one mother.”  Without children in tow, your mother is your only blood relative who will love you forever, come hell or high water. No ifs and buts there.

E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629gmail.com.

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Disclaimer: The comments uploaded on this site do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of management and owner of INQUIRER.net. We reserve the right to exclude comments that we deem to be inconsistent with our editorial standards.

  • libra25

    On the assumption that you will let your mother live with you and your spouse, who will physically take care of her? I hope you won’t let this task of day-to-day care be a burden to your wife in fairness to her. You must consider hiring a professional nanny to assist your ailing mom especially when you are both career-oriented or income earners. You have your own lives to build as husband and wife. Just my thoughts.

  • generalproblem

    ok mag asawa ka na lang ng bago na mahal din ang nanay mo. iwanan muna asawa mo na makasarili

  • Peary Concepcion

    All wives should remember that one day, they would also become mother-in-laws.

  • M C

    Kailangan pa bang imemorize yan? In other words, tinatanong pa ba kun dapat mas mahal mo ang ina sa asawa or ang asawa more than the ina? Kun mahal ng ina ang anak, maiintindihan ng ina na di dapat sya makasarili sa pagmamahal ng anak. At kun mahal ng asawa ang lalaki, maiiintindihan nya na mayroon din responsibilidad ang lalaki sa ina nito. Bakit di nya muna kausapin ng masinsinan kun ano talaga ang ayaw ng ina sa doter-outlaw or ano ang ayaw ng asawa sa mom inlaw. From there, the husband can work out a mutually beneficial habitation arrangement.

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