DEAR EMILY,

I am a 34-year-old physician training in a hospital outside Manila. I have a girlfriend of seven years, 32, also a physician. We’ve been in a tumultuous on-off relationship.

I always initiate our “breakups” because of her jealousy, paranoia, possessiveness and controlling ways. She goes haywire when she checks my Facebook or innocent text messages from friends I’ve known long before I met her. There are more nightmare stories, but they’re just too many.

My problem is, I don’t love her anymore. It has become a one-way relationship. She told me that she’ll change and will walk out quietly if it does not work out anymore. But she only makes an effort for a few months and slowly returns to her controlling ways.

Now, she is dropping hints of marriage! Others think it is long overdue, and only my closest friends know of my predicament. I feel trapped. It has become a nightmare, and I want to break free.

I know she knows I am not there anymore. I’ve tried to be a real jerk to her—I become short-tempered, don’t answer her calls and texts, deliberately miss important dates and birthdays—but she won’t quit on me. The things I used to find endearing and cute in her have lost their charm and are now irritating.

We haven’t had sex for 15 months and counting, because I don’t want her to feel “used.” Isn’t that clue enough? Shouldn’t she see it as a red flag? But she still believes there is a happy ending for us. And, there is no third party involved. I may not love her anymore, but she is still my girlfriend.

Friends tell me to break it off. But I can’t! She just won’t let me go! How do I make her understand, and accept, that this is the end of the line for us, that there is no future for us?—Trapped

Answer:

Your situation is truly incomprehensible! What do you mean she won’t let you go? Is she holding you a prisoner in chains? Did she embed a GPS device under your skin, so she is able to track you down 24/7? How can you say you can’t break up with her? Do you owe her money, or did you transfer property to her name, which is what’s holding you up?

Seven years is quite a long time to be together without documents. That’s practically a lifetime for some. Either you go on or quit.  Period.

You are both educated. Talk to her and tell her point-blank that you are done with her! Or write a letter, short and to the point, stating exactly what you feel. She can read, can’t she? If those still won’t work, change your cell phone, home numbers—discard any crumbs that will lead her to you.

If you feel desperate, resort to desperate means. If there’s a will, there’s a way! As someone said, either cure it or endure it. No two ways about it. There are so many proverbs and sayings to give you confidence. Why is your willpower so weak?

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