It is Autumn Down Under.
I arrived in Sydney on the last few days of summer and we had blue skies and cool breezes. But the weekend turned from nice to nasty. From comfortable mid-70s we dropped to unseasonal 50s and 60s, making us reach for sweaters and shawls. Monday the sun was out. But the rains have returned and now we’re back to dreary.
The sudden change did one good thing. I love to sleep when it rains, and so it didn’t take long to recuperate from not having slept on the flight over.
I love Philippine Airlines. It’s really your home in the sky. Service was excellent. Nowhere will you find such hospitality.
Just a note: the Airbus A340 that took me smoothly and safely to Sydney has seen better days. The seat reclined only after much prodding; the footrest did not work, and my food tray would not stay up. Listen up, PAL.
This was a week of joyful reunions. It was time for nonstop conversation—fond remembering, peals of uncontrollable laughter, and an occasional torrent of tears. And there’s more in store next week.
Reading time
The latest Weekend Australian Magazine carries an interesting if disturbing article, “The Ties that Unwind.” Written by Kate Legge, it is apparently an eloquent response to “Deserted Mothers’ Club,” which appeared late last year in the same publication. It was an impassioned venting from mothers whose children have chosen to forget they exist.
In Legge’s earlier piece, one mother speaks about an “all-consuming grief.” Most, if not all, ask: “How can someone just turn their back on their family?” Many wonder: “What crime have I committed that could have justified this dismissal, this death?”
One mom describes herself as “bewildered and bereaved” by bad relations with her children. Another one says, “I’m dying inside.” They all share the same “indescribable pain.” My heart breaks.
One of them relates that she gave birth to three children, now all strangers to her. She is “grieved at the loss of their friendship, now grief has become a hard lump in my throat.”
Researchers find the trigger events that can cause the “freezing out” of parents by their adult children. Top of the list are unresolved arguments and ill-timed criticisms about raising their grandchildren.
Judy Simpson, a family law mediator in Queensland, remarks: “So much is expected of mothers. They are put on a pedestal and blamed when things go wrong. And yet mothers usually do what they do with the best of intentions.”
Suffer in silence
Simpson explains that the shame and feeling of failure is so deep that mothers “may deny or minimize family schisms, condemning them to suffer in silence.”
She explains that articles written about parenting “have turned motherhood from a labor of love learned on the job, into an exacting profession.”
Marketing gimmicks portraying “the perfect family” sow seeds of discontent in real-life families. One tries to be that perfect parent, forgetting that there are none. And we come out of the competition frustrated that we have not measured up.
Sometimes, in our desire to be at peace with our grownup children, we walk on eggshells around them, some of us accepting even the most unacceptable behavior. One mother bemoans compromising her principles just to be a cool and understanding parent.
Where does one draw the line?
The reaction to “Deserted Mothers’ Club” has left me with an unsettled heart.
“The Ties that Unwind” tells of one daughter who accuses her mother of not having “the language of emotional connection.”
Another mother is described as extraordinarily controlling. A daughter talks about emotional abuse, saying that none of the children reached their potential because of it. “We all have issues. There’s a lot of anger,” she adds.
Some children comment that their mother would “swear on the Bible that she’s done nothing wrong.” Yet, years of criticism and negativity have finally taken their toll and their connection is now severed.
Some mothers are described as incapable of seeing their children and grandchildren without making the situation “toxic.”
It is unnerving to know the numbers of those who seek counseling to get rid of trauma from early childhood. It hurts to learn that the experts actually recommend breaking away from their parents as the only solution.
And then there are the moms and dads for whom nothing is ever enough. One exasperated son says his mother threatens suicide and resorts to blackmail to get her way. Others complain that their parents “have no concept of a child’s need to live their own life without constant intrusion.” One “switched off” because it was the only way she could cope.
My heart is heavy. Do I see myself between the lines? I look back on my 62 years as a mother and I cringe. It is true that even in a loving relationship, nothing is perfect. Sadly, too often, the pain goes both ways.
But God is good. He allows me to bask in the warm embrace of my children. They do love me, warts and all. Undeserved grace. Unspeakable joy. Suddenly I think I have died and gone to heaven.
