Be a man! Making a baby does not mean you’re a father. Any fool can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father.”
I recall that line from a movie. A father was advising his teenage son about the responsibilities of being a father. A man becomes a father only by taking part in raising the child. It goes way beyond procreation.
Married fathers and single dads have to be involved with their children as they grow up. From the start, you have a unique and very important role in your child’s life. Do not bow out and leave all the rearing with the mother (or the yaya). Your children will benefit from the different interests, ways, even genes and hormones, you bring into your relationship with them.
To start with, while mothers are a bit more cautious, fathers usually give their infants more freedom to explore. This encourages a child’s independence. We even talk to our children differently.
But it is at play where a father’s parenting style is most important. Most mothers will play quieter, verbal and visual games whereas men are more physical and cause more excitement even with the tiniest babies.
I used to let my two daughters do “baby gymnastics” even before they could stand. Their little fists would grip my thumbs and I would almost lift them off the mattress. They would press their tiny feet against my hands to push themselves and slide across the bed.
Our pediatrician attributes to this play my babies’ ability to stand up earlier than many kids their age.
Dad as playmate
Babies notice that their parents have different styles and adjust accordingly. Gary Leavy of the Infant Development Center at University of Wyoming says, “Even at a few months old, when babies want to be comforted, they look for their mothers. But when they want to play, they look for dad.”
Researchers discovered that more than two-thirds of 2½-year-olds choose their dads over their moms as play partners. My siblings and I had the best playtimes in the swimming pool escaping from “Kadado” (the name given our dad by my youngest brother), the sea monster!
I never became a competitive swimmer, but boy, I sure could scramble out of a pool of water! Childhood-survival skills training, huh?
Wrestling with the kids on the bed, playing mini-basketball in the sala and other physical play offer more than just fun. Fatherhood researcher John Snarey says infants who roughhouse with their fathers are already learning lessons in self-control. They learn to express and manage their emotions and to recognize other people’s emotional clues, and that biting, kicking and other forms of physical violence are simply not acceptable.
Emotion coach
A father can also influence his child’s emotional life. Psychologists say that kids who do well in peer relationships were those whose fathers validated their feelings and praised their accomplishments.
Fathers are advised to be emotion coaches. This can be a challenge for those of us who grew up in the old “macho” ways, where men were not allowed to show emotion—which was considered either a weakness or “girly.” Your father skills must evolve into what has been proven to work well.
Parenting classes are given in many churches and nonprofit organizations. One should neither dismiss nor disapprove your child’s negative emotions, but show empathy and provide guidance to help him deal with negative feelings.
Kids with supporting, emotionally accepting fathers have been found to be less aggressive, have better relationships with friends and have less trouble in school.
Research shows that kids who have contact with their father have an advantage over those without that kind of contact. It may even make them smarter! It was revealed that children raised by actively involved fathers scored higher in verbal ability than children raised by less involved fathers. Children raised this way have been shown to rate ahead in tests of intellectual development, problem-solving skills and even social skills.
Lifetime benefits
The best news is that the benefits of involved fatherhood appear to last a lifetime. Researchers talked to people in their early 40s whose parents had been interviewed 36 years earlier about their child-rearing practices. The ones who experienced the warmest relationships with their fathers when they were 5 years old showed the highest levels of sympathy and compassion for others.
They also had longer, happy marriages and developed better social relationships.
This does not mean, however, that just being around your kids will make them smarter, confident or better adjusted. “Being there” means much more than just being present for attendance.
Cold and authoritarian
More important than the amount of time you spend with your kids, it is what you do with them during that time. Incompetent fathering (just like incompetent mothering) can have negative effects.
Psychology professor John Gottman found that children with fathers who were cold and authoritarian, derogatory and abusive had difficulty with grades and social skills: “They are worse off than kids who live at home with no father at all.”
Moreover: “Kids with non-supportive dads were the ones most likely headed for trouble.” They tended to display aggressive behavior, had trouble in school, and were linked to delinquency and youth violence. Some kids tended to lie and make exaggerations of their achievements just to gain attention.
In contrast, dads who are nurturing, supportive, responsive to their children’s needs, and respectful of their feelings and desires have better-adjusted kids.
Separated
Some dads who are separated from their kids by distance or by the court may convince themselves that dropping out of their kids’ lives is the best solution for everyone. But it is the worst! Not being there can have devastating effects.
Obviously you must continuously do your part in supporting them financially. It is a crime when separated fathers claim that they cannot help support their kids, yet they can afford to buy themselves “toys for the big boys.” How would your kids feel if they see your new motorcycle, car or boat on Facebook while you barely (or don’t) help with their needs? Don’t fade away.
Involved fathers tend to have more successful careers. Because he fulfills his responsibilities as a father, he can understand himself as an adult and how to take care of others. By the time his children are grown he is a better manager, community leader and mentor.
He becomes a man concerned with the next generation—beyond himself. This is the real reason society cheers when a young male becomes a father. You are not a man because you have made a child; it is because fatherhood will make you a man.
