Dear Emily,

This is about my close friend and her husband who are living in Europe. They met through common friends and started as phone pals. That was five years ago.  They’re married now and have two little girls.

One of her problems is her husband’s habit of being with his “friends” too often and too much. This is getting them into trouble with each other. Another is their physical relationship. My friend says that her husband just goes straight into the sexual act without foreplay or kissing—without even a peck on the cheek. He apparently told her that he doesn’t believe in those things. She revealed that until now, she has never seen her husband’s penis. Lights are always turned off every time they have sex as the husband wants it very dark.

He also told her he doesn’t want to go out with her because he is not comfortable with her meeting his friends. He calls her “chang” everytime he refers to her in conversations with others and his text messages. She told me he is always on the verge of hitting her when they’re having arguments. She revealed a lot more about her husband which made me think that he is gay. Is he gay? I don’t want to give her any advice for fear of making her life worse.

JANINE

Whether he is gay or straight shouldn’t be the issue. He will still remain a human being—either way he swings. The question is why he treats her shabbily! And what does “chang” mean? Is that the masculine of “chong” as in “chongo” or monkey?

If she is so unhappy with him, it’s not like she’s shackled in a cage and has to dig a tunnel to escape from him. She has a choice! The best advice you can give her is to review her options that will be good for her and her girls.  And for the husband, living with or without his family—he should aim to be first and foremost fair and sensitive to their needs.

Stop wracking your brains trying to guess this husband’s sexuality. He is a married guy, and whether he wants out should be immediately made known so as not to prolong any further agony in this marriage. It’s no fun living in a loveless and unhappy house!  You’re constantly walking on eggs, or your ears are always straining for sounds or nuances of a fuse blowing out in a moment’s notice.

Life is too short for name-calling, or bigotry, or whatever is inhumane in this world.

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