DEAR Emily,

My husband and I married in our 20s over four decades ago. Like many couples, we went through a lot of trials. We’ve been mostly happy with our family, until I found out about his indiscretions.

Ten years into our marriage, I discovered he courted a girl 15 years his junior. That was nipped in the bud before anything serious could happen. I felt so betrayed, but because he begged for forgiveness, I gave him a second chance. It took me years to get over it.

Then, two years ago, I again found out he has been flirting with a staff in his office 35 years his junior. He was sending her love messages and talking for hours on the phone, as well as giving her expensive gifts during birthdays and Christmas.

He was quite serious with her; he admitted this during our confrontation. He vowed to stop when I threatened to leave him and make known to the office this love affair. Luckily again, I found out about it.

This affair still seems to be on. He secretly keeps her number in his mobile phone despite his promise to me to cut all connections with her. This year, he sent her birthday wishes, saying, “I love you the way I love my wife.” He said those words were written just to make her feel good. What does he mean by this?

His promises to change didn’t bring back the trust I once had for him. Just the mere mention of his office gives me chills. As long as the girl is still there, I will never have peace of mind.

Does he really love me, or is he just staying on for the sake of his family? He adores his grandchildren and always says his family is his priority.

Distrusting Wife

Forty years in a marriage is a lifetime to be a saint for some men—and keep wandering eyes at bay. One irritant is the office environment, having to work side-by-side with attractive women, some of whom are wicked enough to ensnare old fools like the aged, bored and very much married men who suddenly feel the stirrings of dormant hormones again.

What kind of life are you living if you’re worrying yourself sick about him and that girl? This jealousy is like a rotting wound and festering in your body. That’s not living! That is slow death.

If he still comes home every night to you anyway, and shuts his mobile phone when he comes through the door, so be it. Let him leave his philandering in the office. There’s nothing you as a wife can do if your husband wants to fool around. No amount of threats, no tying down, no man-to-man guarding. Nothing. You cannot control his mind, so don’t delve on it or second-guess his thoughts.

You can pray on your knees everyday or in unison with your friends—storm the heavens for support. But only you can take the first step in trusting him again by setting the refresh button in your mind.

Change things around, starting with yourself. Dote on your grandchildren. Travel if you can afford it. Pick up a hobby to distract you from something that is beyond your control. Anything to make you feel good.

If he says family is his priority—with tongue in cheek—accept it at face value. Make your home a sanctuary of fun and friendship for him, however difficult. Most men are homing pigeons. They love the security and stability of a home, no matter how much playtime and fooling around they devote out of it.

Forty years is something that cannot just be thrown away like trash by most people—including your husband.

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