DEAR Emily,

I met a guy last year at a company event. We were introduced months before that, and though I found him aloof at the time, the second meeting was different. He was flirty and made me feel special. I saw nothing wrong in gently responding to his flirting.

But, he dropped the bomb. He’s a new dad with this girlfriend he claimed he’s not in love with anymore. But he couldn’t leave her for fear of not seeing their child again.

He said they have plans of getting married, though I suspect his girlfriend is the one pushing it.

I know the best thing is to stay away from him. I generally see through a guy’s bullshit, but he is different. I feel so wildly attracted to him when he is with me. We would have our passionate trysts once in a while, but he’s starting to feel guilty about our setup. He’s more guilty about their child and breaking up his little family than cheating on her.

Am I such a bad person for not feeling guilty about this? I am not heartless… just madly attracted to him. I’ve dated other guys but they don’t measure up to him.

I know passion is a fleeting thing and his desire for me will eventually wane, too. But for now, I can’t help but ride this out. I haven’t verbally expressed my feelings for him. I am just trying to act like this strong, nonchalant woman who’s okay with casual sex.

I am not ever going to beg him to leave his girlfriend. I just want him by my side, within his peripheral vision.

This baffles me. I know my worth and even if I’ve been single for years now, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. Even if being with this guy is pointless because there’s no chance of us being in a legit relationship, I still want him.

He is almost an addiction. If I’m not careful enough, I know I could do crazy things.

NIK

There’s nothing baffling here.  You’re a woman in love, wildly involved in a lusty relationship with a guy who has a child he clearly loves dearly, and a woman he is not married to. Is that an honest encapsulation of your predicament?

You must have forgotten what it is to be insanely in love.  It is the most delicious, gratifying, mind-blowing, totally riveting feeling that a person can be awakened and subjected to.

Addicting? Yes! But without using opioids for props. It’s all nerves and senses working full steam ahead.

What is obviously undefinable is your obsession with him simply because you cannot have him. You may be having him physically but the emotional investment and commitment you’re craving for aren’t there, and this is what’s goading you into this relentless upheaval.

What you have with him is worse than him being married.  Marriage, as we know it now, has been reviled, mocked, taken for granted, and everything else you can think of that clearly disrespects the institution. What he has with this family may be a warped sense of loyalty which you obviously are aware of.

But you must have this visceral knowledge of invisible demarcation lines that are around him—much like those electrified sensors that beep in well-guarded. They are surrounding your lover and keeping you out of getting any deeper or closer in your relationship with him.

You already know quite well how pointless this affair is going to be. It’s been bruited in Hollywood that actors should never compete for attention with kids and pets. It’s a no-win situation.  And right here, in this scenario, is a kid—his kid. Looks like it’s already a doomed script, even before the chapter has begun.

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